No Matter Who Are

So in the week since my birthday and party have passed, I wish I could say I had some epiphany about life or something.  However, it's mostly the same ol' things I always know.

And diabetes-wise?  Well, let's just say I took a quick break from my Dexcom to let my sites rest a bit, but as a result of said Dexcom, I did remember to check my blood a fair amount on my own.  That's one thing I slip up on constantly--remembering to poke my finger at the bare minimum 4 times a day.  Honestly, that is the biggest change I can make for myself this year.

Tonight, I will slap that sensor back on and get back in the CGM saddle.  Tomorrow, I am off to the CWD Focus on Technology conference where I will be among many beeping glucose meters, buzzing robot pancreases (pancreai?), and of course, fellow people with diabetes and their families.  Best of all, I will be in the good company of a bunch of D-Bloggers.  And you know what happens when we get together.

(Author's Sarcastic Note: We eat carbs and drink alcohol!  Noooo!  Call the diabetes police!)

Anyway, I'm sure it will be fun, and informative, and potentially a place where I can pick up some diabetes swag?  Like, a prettier skin for ye olde Dexcom?  Eh, my lunches are already paid for and I get a free t-shirt.  Keep an eye out for pictures, recaps, and everything else.

I have a theme song today.  Just a reminder to put myself out there.  Sometimes my biggest obstacle is my attitude, sometimes it's my fears.  But I feel rockstar mode coming on, and I hope it sticks around.

Here's to a weekend of hopeful things and realizing you ARE a shining star, no matter who you are.  No matter what your pancreas does or doesn't do.

Not My Strip

In the ladies' room at work, I saw this on the floor. I haven't been using my OneTouch meter lately, so I can't help but wonder where this came from. My colleague with diabetes uses a Freestyle. Will the owner of this test strip please stand up?

Thirty Looks Pretty Good

It's my birthday today.  Of course, I have been working all day.  Working until 8pm, which is only a few minutes away.  After that, celebration!  Heck, I think most of the week will be celebration, culminating in my [hopefully] epic 30th birthday party on Saturday.  It's gonna be fancy--no, really, that's the theme.  Fancypants.*

So how do I look today?  Maybe a bit stressed, but I am excited because I feel like I am getting back onto the right track.  Whatever that is supposed to be.  

I'm supposed to do what at this age?  Sure.  Yeah.  Whatever you say.  *eyeroll*

*For the record, the author finds anything with sparkles, a tiara, a tie or an old-fashioned hat to be fancy.

Getting on the Couch -- Week 2

So my last post was all about how I was heading to see a therapist for the first time.  What I didn't know until a couple of days ago is that it was voted one of the Best of the 'Betes blogs!  Woo hoo!  Yes, dear readers, honesty is the best policy.  A lot of you want to know how it went.  I'm not going to share all the details of all my therapist visits, obviously, but I do want to share a bit so you know what it's like.

I arrived at the office a few minutes early to fill out paperwork, just like going to any other doctor's office.  It was a Friday afternoon, and apparently their office doesn't have a receptionist on Fridays, so various psychologists/therapists/counselors would come in from a hallway door every few minutes.  Sometimes their patients were there waiting, sometimes they had to come back.  I was immediately made more comfortable by how personable everyone seemed when greeting their patients, but I was still nervous.  I am very slow when I'm writing by hand, so the first time my therapist popped his head out the door looking for me, I was not ready.  I was a wee bit embarrassed.

He came out again a few minutes later, and I was finally done scribbling.  He was smiley, had a very warm friendly vibe about him.  It could just be because he had nerdy glasses, and I tend to assume that people who dress like me are mostly trustworthy.  He apologized that the room we'd be going to didn't have any windows.  He said that being the newest to the practice, he didn't get much of a choice.  The room at least had comfy chairs, soothing lighting, and at least two boxes of tissues.

As far as I am able to tell, your first visit to your new therapist will involve filling out lots of paperwork and answering a lot of questions about your background and a little about yourself.  Hopefully, like my visit, it will involve feeling honest and content with the person you are seeing.  It may involve a tissue or two--I managed to not need any until the tail end.  I hope to have an interesting and enlightening experience with my therapist.  He apparently is also an art therapist, so of course I thought of Lee Ann when I was there and all the good that being creative can do for people. 

We'll see what goes on over the next few weeks.  Visit #2 is today at 3:00pm.  It's kind of a strange concept when it comes down to it--figuring out how to trust someone who is to be much more than a stranger to you, less than a friend.  I'm sure this is why your therapist will probably reassure you a number of times, as mine did, that you are in a safe space and everything you say will absolutely not leave the room.  (Unless of course, like in Pennsylvania, the state laws mandate that if you seem a true danger to yourself or others, you will be reported to...someone.  The therapist informed me this would not mean the cops would be waiting at my house for me.  And don't worry about me, I'm the variety of depressive who just mopes and gets cranky and wants to sleep.)

So I think it turns out your therapist is not someone to get nervous about.  You'll do fine.  I did.




PS...EEEEEK I AM IN KIND OF AN IMPORTANT POETRY SLAM TONIGHT AND I AM WIGGING OUT, MAN!  Whew, just had to put that out there. ;)

Getting on the Couch

Well, I did it.  Tomorrow I will be seeing somebody.  I hope he is good.  The receptionist was extra-friendly when I called, and reassured me that not only is he a phenomenal therapist, but he is also super-nice.  She added with a bit of a knowing chuckle, probably about others at the practice, that some people are really great therapists but they're not as nice.

We'll see how it goes.  I am a little anxious about it.  Seems fitting, no? 

I picture Betty Draper from Mad Men splayed out on the therapist's couch, talking more to the ceiling than anything.  (Author's Note:  I am nothing like Betty Draper, except that we are both blonde.)  TV never seems to show a therapist caring about a patient.  Of course, TV is bad at a lot of things. 

So what's going to happen?  I'll fill out some paperwork, and then talking will happen.  That's all I know.  Maybe I will be able to tell you more tomorrow.  I'm excited to be doing something really good for myself.

In the meantime, I've been having a good week.  I wrote a new poem, and I have new resolve to kick ass in a major poetry slam that's happening next week.  If I win, I will be going to Colorado to represent Philadelphia in a national poetry event!  Competition will be tough.  I'm honestly a bit terrified, and I've decided that's a good thing.  More motivation to be awesome, I think.

Meanwhile, it's back to the usual workday routine.  How are you today, DOC?

Honest O'Clock on Friday

My pal Mike has this concept that he introduced me to several years ago.  He says that at every party, after all the initial fun is starting to wear off, when the levels of drunkenness are starting to run high, when people are starting to get to that moment where they are at their most raw, it becomes Honest O'Clock.

It's the time when you are likely to tell your friends about something you adore or despise about them.  It's when real, often ugly, truths come out.  It is wise for most party guests to start leaving after Honest O'Clock.

So it's been a little while since I wrote a blog post, and it feels like it's Honest O'Clock here, dear readers.  I want to blog.  I want to blog more.  I want to write, and it's just not coming out right now.  In fact, a lot of things that I want to do right now aren't getting done.

I'm stressed.  I'm depressed.  I'm pretty serious about finding myself a therapist, probably in the next week.

Writing is one of my favorite hobbies.  It's something I still hope I can translate into a new career one day.  Right now, I can barely do any of it.  I'll be honest and say recently, it's been tough trying to be my own fan, trying to support what still makes me happy, trying to remember that (hey, Clairol), I'm worth it.  You know what?  People seem to think that all poets are depressed, and that's why their poetry is good.  When this poet is depressed, she writes no poetry.  That's even sadder than depression itself!

I want to dance and do arts & crafts and enjoy life again.  Every day.  Believe me, I am still hanging in there, I am still doing okay.  I went to an excellent concert last weekend.  I've got two events tonight I'm looking forward to.  I am excited for the CWD Focus on Technology in a few weeks.  I just want there to be fewer days in between the fun stuff where I don't feel like leaving my house.  I want there to be more days where I feel like I'm not floating through my workday, having difficulty remembering what to work on. 

I've talked about my depression here before, briefly.  Honestly, if you read that post, this may all sound like nothing new, except I am less than a month away from turning 30.  I have some help already in the form of medication, but I am at the point where whatever is troubling me is more than an imbalance of brain chemicals. 

I want to start feeling better so I can get this blog back into shape.  So I can get my career back into shape.  So I can write some damn poetry.  So I can be 100% me again.  I'm pretty sure depression is 100% cureable, just like diabetes. (See what I did there?  With the joking?  OMG Google will surely put me under listings for depression cures now.)

It's just the feeling that something is very wrong.  It's time to make it right. 

Do you struggle with mental health?  Got any tips for finding a therapist?  Let's talk and share.  There's no shame to be had here.  Let's get honest, because really?  When you look back on the party, you should remember the fun stuff.  Honest O'Clock is over for now.

Greetings from Virustown

Oh my gosh, you guys.

I am sick.

I have been sick since last Thursday, when all of this was just a baby sore throat.

It went on to develop into a post-nasal-drippy, sniffly, coughy, are-my-tonsils-swelling? kind of horrible week. 

Other co-workers have been sick too, but they all seem to be bouncing back a lot more quickly.  Clearly nobody else has what I've got, which seems to be the HellVirus. 

Waking up three different times this week in the middle of the night to cry because my throat hurt so badly that the pain radiated into my teeth and my ears?  Oh yeah, I've been there. 

Having a non-stop sticky mouth so that I'm not sure whether my blood sugar is normal or skyrocketing?  Yep, I'm there. 

Going to the doctor again today just to make sure I don't have ebola or mad cow or something?  Guilty as charged.

Photo from Nintendo.com

Anybody else out there suffering the woes of winter illness this week?  Anybody else ill-advisedly checking symptoms on WebMD and thinking they have either a hidden dental abscess or mono or the bird flu?  

I have popped so many Advil that I am pretty sure next week I will be popping Pepcid to fix my stomach.  It's happened before.  I'm picturing my immune system playing Dr. Mario on the hard levels.  It's that kind of a day.  Let's hope all the pill colors get matched correctly.