In high school and throughout college, I used to complain about my fat ankles. I have slim, muscular legs, thank goodness, but my ankles have never been my favorites.
The right one bears a one-inch scar from my type 1 diagnosis back in 1990. I was in DKA, and dehydrated. My poor 8-year-old veins were so deflated, they had to cut into my ankle to start the IV necessary for insulin and fluids.
My ankles were always wide and strong, and to this day, they make buying pull-on or zip-up boots difficult. My feet are small, size 7.5 in women's, but I'm sure my ankles belong to a size 8.5 or 9 boot. Hell, my calves probably do too. I think the truth is my ankles were never fat, they were just too big in proportion to my little feet.
Except on days like today, they really are fat. I look down at my ankles and they are ballooned out with fluid, the way you'd expect a little old lady's ankles to look. I am glad that I do not yet have to wear any kind of orthopedic shoes, or things might look even worse. Why does this keep happening? No one ever offers me an answer. I'm guessing poor circulation.
Nobody mentions the word "neuropathy". Maybe it's because they don't want to scare me. Maybe it's because that's not the case. I won't know until my blood sugars are back in range for an extended period of time. Could that be the answer? Could more excercise be the answer? How long until my A1C is acceptable? I'm trying to get to that place, and it's getting easier, but it's still a challenge. I know I should be happy about what I have. I still have feeling in my legs and feet, and very rarely do I have any pain. My kidneys are normal, and allegedly, so is my thyroid. (I say allegedly because I keep hearing about differing guidelines in regards to what is "normal", and I don't know which guidelines my doctor follows.)
And I am happy. I am truly blessed to never have been hospitalized outside of my diagnosis, blessed to have never known a low blood sugar leading to a convulsion or even passing out.
But these uncomfortable appendages are so discouraging sometimes.
On Sunday, Matt and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I was changing clothes, putting on an outfit I really liked, feeling absolutely adorable. I asked Matt to hand me a pair of shoes that I wanted to wear, and on the left foot, the shoe was reasonably okay. As I tried to put the right one on, I felt like one of Cinderella's ugly stepsisters, trying to cram a massive, misshapen foot into a shoe two sizes too small. I'd have to put on the dingey-yet-comfortable shoes when I wanted to wear the cute-but-comfortable shoes. I wanted my husband to tell me I looked nice.
I felt my spine slacken a little, and I burst into tears right there on the bed.
Matt, best husband ever, sprang into action, wrapping me immediately in a hug. "Aww, what's wrong, Boo?"
I cast the unfitting shoe down onto the carpet and sniffled loudly. "Just once, I want to see my ankles again."
"I'm sure it's all going to be okay. Nobody's perfect, and right now you're stressed out, and we're not excercising enough because we're too busy with the move, and we probably haven't been eating the greatest stuff, and I know you're working really hard to get your blood sugars under control and..."
I cut him off just as my brain was about to turn on full-on-NOT-pretty-sobbing mode. "I'm just scared *sob sob* that I did this to myself, and it's never going to get better, and this is just how it's going to be from now on." My tears absorbed into a half-dollar size wet spot on Matt's t-shirt.
He held me, and he reassured me. "We'll get through this. I'm sure it's going to be fine, and no matter what, I'll always love you just the way you are."
On Sunday, that was enough. Enough to restore my faith in myself. It's not always that easy, but for whatever reason, it worked. "I'll give it time," I told him. "I think eventually, it will be alright." I got another hug. I smiled. "Now then, where the heck are we going to go for dinner?"
Stop sucking so bad. Thanks.
PS--In non-ankle news, WE GOT THE HOUSE WE WANTED!! WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!! We sign the lease this weekend! More on this later.