My pal Mike has this concept that he introduced me to several years ago. He says that at every party, after all the initial fun is starting to wear off, when the levels of drunkenness are starting to run high, when people are starting to get to that moment where they are at their most raw, it becomes Honest O'Clock.
It's the time when you are likely to tell your friends about something you adore or despise about them. It's when real, often ugly, truths come out. It is wise for most party guests to start leaving after Honest O'Clock.
So it's been a little while since I wrote a blog post, and it feels like it's Honest O'Clock here, dear readers. I want to blog. I want to blog more. I want to write, and it's just not coming out right now. In fact, a lot of things that I want to do right now aren't getting done.
I'm stressed. I'm depressed. I'm pretty serious about finding myself a therapist, probably in the next week.
Writing is one of my favorite hobbies. It's something I still hope I can translate into a new career one day. Right now, I can barely do any of it. I'll be honest and say recently, it's been tough trying to be my own fan, trying to support what still makes me happy, trying to remember that (hey, Clairol), I'm worth it. You know what? People seem to think that all poets are depressed, and that's why their poetry is good. When this poet is depressed, she writes no poetry. That's even sadder than depression itself!
I want to dance and do arts & crafts and enjoy life again. Every day. Believe me, I am still hanging in there, I am still doing okay. I went to an excellent concert last weekend. I've got two events tonight I'm looking forward to. I am excited for the CWD Focus on Technology in a few weeks. I just want there to be fewer days in between the fun stuff where I don't feel like leaving my house. I want there to be more days where I feel like I'm not floating through my workday, having difficulty remembering what to work on.
I've talked about my depression here before, briefly. Honestly, if you read that post, this may all sound like nothing new, except I am less than a month away from turning 30. I have some help already in the form of medication, but I am at the point where whatever is troubling me is more than an imbalance of brain chemicals.
I want to start feeling better so I can get this blog back into shape. So I can get my career back into shape. So I can write some damn poetry. So I can be 100% me again. I'm pretty sure depression is 100% cureable, just like diabetes. (See what I did there? With the joking? OMG Google will surely put me under listings for depression cures now.)
It's just the feeling that something is very wrong. It's time to make it right.
Do you struggle with mental health? Got any tips for finding a therapist? Let's talk and share. There's no shame to be had here. Let's get honest, because really? When you look back on the party, you should remember the fun stuff. Honest O'Clock is over for now.