Dorkabetic

Honest O'Clock on Friday

2012-01-27T12:33:00.001-05:00

My pal Mike has this concept that he introduced me to several years ago. He says that at every party, after all the initial fun is starting to wear off, when the levels of drunkenness are starting to run high, when people are starting to get to that moment where they are at their most raw, it becomes Honest O'Clock.

It's the time when you are likely to tell your friends about something you adore or despise about them. It's when real, often ugly, truths come out. It is wise for most party guests to start leaving after Honest O'Clock.

So it's been a little while since I wrote a blog post, and it feels like it's Honest O'Clock here, dear readers. I want to blog. I want to blog more. I want to write, and it's just not coming out right now. In fact, a lot of things that I want to do right now aren't getting done.

I'm stressed. I'm depressed. I'm pretty serious about finding myself a therapist, probably in the next week.

Writing is one of my favorite hobbies. It's something I still hope I can translate into a new career one day. Right now, I can barely do any of it. I'll be honest and say recently, it's been tough trying to be my own fan, trying to support what still makes me happy, trying to remember that (hey, Clairol), I'm worth it. You know what? People seem to think that all poets are depressed, and that's why their poetry is good. When this poet is depressed, she writes no poetry. That's even sadder than depression itself!

I want to dance and do arts & crafts and enjoy life again. Every day. Believe me, I am still hanging in there, I am still doing okay. I went to an excellent concert last weekend. I've got two events tonight I'm looking forward to. I am excited for the CWD Focus on Technology in a few weeks. I just want there to be fewer days in between the fun stuff where I don't feel like leaving my house. I want there to be more days where I feel like I'm not floating through my workday, having difficulty remembering what to work on.

I've talked about my depression here before, briefly. Honestly, if you read that post, this may all sound like nothing new, except I am less than a month away from turning 30. I have some help already in the form of medication, but I am at the point where whatever is troubling me is more than an imbalance of brain chemicals.

I want to start feeling better so I can get this blog back into shape. So I can get my career back into shape. So I can write some damn poetry. So I can be 100% me again. I'm pretty sure depression is 100% cureable, just like diabetes. (See what I did there? With the joking? OMG Google will surely put me under listings for depression cures now.)

It's just the feeling that something is very wrong. It's time to make it right.

Do you struggle with mental health? Got any tips for finding a therapist? Let's talk and share. There's no shame to be had here. Let's get honest, because really? When you look back on the party, you should remember the fun stuff. Honest O'Clock is over for now.

Greetings from Virustown

2012-01-13T12:27:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh, you guys.

I am sick.

I have been sick since last Thursday, when all of this was just a baby sore throat.

It went on to develop into a post-nasal-drippy, sniffly, coughy, are-my-tonsils-swelling? kind of horrible week.

Other co-workers have been sick too, but they all seem to be bouncing back a lot more quickly. Clearly nobody else has what I've got, which seems to be the HellVirus.

Waking up three different times this week in the middle of the night to cry because my throat hurt so badly that the pain radiated into my teeth and my ears? Oh yeah, I've been there.

Having a non-stop sticky mouth so that I'm not sure whether my blood sugar is normal or skyrocketing? Yep, I'm there.

Going to the doctor again today just to make sure I don't have ebola or mad cow or something? Guilty as charged.

Photo from Nintendo.com

Anybody else out there suffering the woes of winter illness this week? Anybody else ill-advisedly checking symptoms on WebMD and thinking they have either a hidden dental abscess or mono or the bird flu?

I have popped so many Advil that I am pretty sure next week I will be popping Pepcid to fix my stomach. It's happened before. I'm picturing my immune system playing Dr. Mario on the hard levels. It's that kind of a day. Let's hope all the pill colors get matched correctly.

2012: I Have New Resolve

2012-01-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

In my free time, I like playing around with art supplies and crafts. This is a fact I forget far too often. Last summer, a friend of mine led a watercolor workshop, and it was so relaxing, liberating in some small way to let that paintbrush draw wavy lines, leaves, a wash of color in the background.

Writing is the art I am most passionate about, the one where I will scrutinize every punctuation mark and word choice. I might not let you see a poem if it's not finished. If you look over my shoulder while I doodle, I may be distracted, but I'm never really ashamed. I'm just having fun, so if the outcome is good, that's great. If it's not, great. I can always start over with a fresh sheet of paper.

2011 was a year of ups and downs with a relatively negative undercurrent. This is a fact I almost missed until a couple of weeks ago when I started reflecting on my year. Too often, I kept coming back to things I should have done. There were too many moments in my mind of, "Why didn't I...?" and "I really wish I had..." and "There was no reason for [xyz thing] to happen/not happen except for me." While standing on the precipice of thirty, twenty-nine looked so daunting. Sure, I may have climbed a mountain, but standing near the top doesn't feel so great when all you can see are the jagged rocks below.

Over the holidays, there was a moment of clarity. Sitting in my mother-in-law's dining room, I was drawing with a new set of Prismacolor markers I'd received, just making patterns, figuring out what colors were in my set. Her husband's granddaughter (my...step-niece? Is that a thing?) plopped down next to me with a pen, a notebook and a bag of crayons.

"Whatcha drawin'?" she asked me.

"I'm not really sure yet," I replied. "It's been a long time since I drew anything."

"Draw a dog!" she suggested.

"Well, I'll give it a try," I told her. "I don't think I've ever drawn a dog before." I squinted at the paper and frowned and sighed. I took a deep breath, thinking This isn't going to be that great. This kid is probably expecting some professionally-drawn cartoon character. I'm just not that good.

I slowly made a cartoony head with some Snoopy-ish ears. I drew some eyes, a nose, started drawing some spots and a tail. The feet were kind of a mess, but they were clearly paws.

"That's really good!" she said. "My mom draws a dog and it looks funny."

And it hit me a few days later. Every time I'm down on myself, every time I think that something in 2011 was a terrible loss, something I did will never be good enough, something I write will never get recognized, anything like that, what I need to do is look at it through new eyes. Yeah, a lot of bad stuff happened last year. But there was a lot of good. And so much of the bad can be changed by just working on myself or by having a little confidence in my abilities.

Much like making art for fun, I will always be my own worst critic. In 2012, I hope that I can remember to strive for something beyond myself. Less negative self-talk this year. Maybe a little bit more of tooting my own horn. Just a bit.

Dexy's Midnight Runner (That's Me)

2011-12-21T14:59:00.003-05:00

Maybe I need to just break down and name my Dexcom Eileen, because I certainly say, "Come on!" to it a lot.

I have been wearing the Dexcom since Friday, trying not to pay attention to it too obsessively for now. It's almost Christmas. I have about two more weeks of the carb-y holiday season, plus I had the misfortune of getting sick yesterday. I didn't eat anything this morning, woke up with a 167 mg/dl blood glucose, then shot straight up to 200-something about 3 hours later without eating anything. I blame illness. We'll see. Time will pass. Patterns will emerge.

On the humorous side of things, I have attempted to pull out my Dexcom receiver to text at least twice and to call someone at least once, maybe twice since Friday. I have come to realize my phone and my receiver are almost the exact same width at the widest part, and they are very nearly the same height. Both are covered in silicone cases, so they feel about the same when stuffed in my pocket.

Someone should get me a utility belt for Christmas with all these devices I'm toting around these days. I could add a Bat-a-rang to my ensemble. Somebody call Alfred. Fetch me my private jet.

I haven't logged a low yet on this thing, though I've heard the familiar "Buuuzzzzzzz buuuzzzzzzz" of being high. So far the novelty of showing that to a friend and telling them Dude, I am so high right now has not yet worn off. Surely it will. At the moment, it still feels like I am tempting fate every time I eat a meal. I hope for a small spike, and then I wait and get a huge one instead. I think I just am not bolusing enough. I think my first diabetes effort of 2012 should involve obsessive carb-counting for a week or two just to try and figure out what the deal is.

I was happy to find out that inserting the sensor was not as terrifying as I expected it to be, especially when the video on the Dexcom website flat-out tells you some people find insertion difficult. What I found most difficult was trying to snap the stupid transmitter onto the sensor. I had to have help with that. Hopefully next time will go a little smoother.

Line-graph-y Holidays, everybody!

Christmastime for My Non-Functioning Pancreas

2011-12-14T12:02:00.001-05:00

(A relatively wordless Wednesday post...)

My Dexcom arrived yesterday!

Sherman was relatively non-plussed.

I am excited to play with all this new stuff. I am, however, a tiny bit sad that the silicone skin for the receiver is dull gray. Definitely not my style.

Welcome home, new robot parts!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

Without further ado, in no particular order, here are things and people I am thankful for:

Love, friendship, kindness, Matt, Mom, Nana, my in-laws, Bro-in-law Jim, still having a job in this crap economy, health insurance, insulin, a decent car, a nice house, my chosen family, David, Sam, Shelaine, Elliott, Bryan, Michelle, Lilliana, Becky, Kate, Jeff, Cari, Ballsybean, all the Amys I know, Megan, Alex, Mike, Erin, Jane, Susane, Thea, Nigel, all my favorite poetry pals, Rich & Rhiannon, my Delaware friends who I don't see often enough, anyone I've met at a vegan potluck, anyone I've met at the PMPM gatherings, cupcakes, ice cream, Steel City Coffee House, social media, my co-workers who are cool, Colin, Marco, Galia, Josh, Katie, Isaac from Northampton, Doctor Who (especially Matt Smith, grrrowl), comic books, The Big Bang Theory, Bust magazine, kittens, owls, bunnies, my insulin pump, Panera Bread in KOP, O'Hara, Missy, Curtis, anybody I've ever had a crush on, anybody I've ever snuggled, creativiity, artsy people, the ability to dance, great music, good writing.

I am thankful for everything that makes me happy. I am thankful for everything that makes me stronger. I am thankful for the loved ones who are already gone. You are always in my heart.

I am thankful for the great friends I have yet to meet.

And because this is a diabetes blog, after all, I am thankful for all my readers, all the members of the Diabetes OC, and all the people who may just now be discovering this. I write for me, but I also write for you.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

PS--I am also thankful for leftover pie. Always.

"Coming Down", as sung by My A1C

2011-11-22T17:35:00.001-05:00

I've lately found I have a good rapport with my female health care providers. Dr. M (my endocrinologist) and I get along fabulously. At my last visit at my primary care doc's office, Kate, who is an amazing nurse practitioner, and the office nurse both remarked that they like when I come in to see them because I make them laugh. I think being able to be yourself around your healthcare team is a huge key to success.

Today, I went to Dr. M's office for a checkup. She is a very nice woman, usually on the perky side, always willing to answer my questions and often smiling at my jokes, as hinted at above. This is good, because I'm usually nervous when I go to the endo. Not for anything she's doing wrong, mind you. It's just me. Thoughts of bad A1C's or surprise bad results on other lab work make me anxious.

I've been told a million times that I am more than an A1C. I am more than just diabetes. Usually, this isn't an issue for me. I live my life, I get along, and if diabetes tries to throw me a curveball, I do my best to catch it. But when you're staring down the barrel of an endocrinologist appointment, it's easy to catalog all the things you haven't done right, all the things that could have been so much better if you just tried. You worry. You wonder what all the neglect is actually doing to your body on the inside.

I have said it here a zillion times: I am a diabetes blogger. I am not a model diabetes patient. I don't have an amazing A1C. Compared to some people, I may take "a lot" of insulin. I am definitely not getting enough exercise. I'm not a role model--I'm just a person who is here to share her experience, to find support, oh, and to mouth off when I feel like it. Does the world need my 2 cents about living with diabetes? I like to think so. I enjoy being able to lend my unique perspective to the world.

I was able to start breathing the sighs of relief early in this appointment. My blood pressure was great. My weight was not really any different from last visit. The nurse didn't even make a face when my BG reading was 235 mg/dl after lunch. Dr. M came in pretty promptly, and we started talking about doing basal tests before we make any adjustments. We talked about how I want to continue with the Symlin, even though I had taken a break from it. We talked about her belly! She's expecting her second child in January. Then I talked about the biggie.

I told her I've been thinking about a Dexcom. She said that normally, when people want to get an insulin pump and they haven't had one before, she doesn't just let them contact the company to ask about one. She said she likes to meet with her patients and make sure they get the training they'll actually need. Dr. M then told me for somebody considering a CGM and a sensor, she's quite happy to write a prescription for the system without any kind of preparatory visits. She also reassured me that if I want to get a continuous glucose monitor, the Dexcom is the way to go. She told me it wouldn't hurt if I also find some kind of exercise that I really like and start doing it.

So I have a plan for the next few months. I won't see Dr. M again until April, when she is back from maternity leave.

The biggest surprise today? The in-office A1C test. My last A1C was 9.8. I know, nothing to cheer about, something to improve. Today's A1C? 9.0! Again, not perfect, but enough to make me do a little happy dance. That's almost down a full point! I was smiling; Dr. M was smiling and told me that was actually a great job and way better than she expected to see given some of my numbers we had been talking about. It may be a tiny victory, but it's a victory for me nonetheless.

As Dr. M and I said our goodbyes, she told me to keep up the good work. She then also added, "But make sure you really enjoy your Thanksgiving!" I told her I was looking forward to the pie. "And you should!" she said.

I know I need to do some serious basal tests, but you know what's amazing? When your endocrinologist acknowledges that you shouldn't guilt yourself along through a holiday. I may just drink a toast to Dr. M with my turkey on Thursday.

And in case you need a reference, here is the theme song to my A1C today:

t:slim, Wherein 'T' Stands for Totally Rad

2011-11-21T17:50:00.001-05:00

So last week, the DOC and the tech world was all abuzz with news of Tandem Diabetes' FDA clearance on their t:slim insulin pump. Finally, many of us felt the excitement that comes along with a pump that actually looks like a present-day technological device. Nowadays, people are baffled when they see you with something that looks like a pager clipped to your pants. It was as if from somewhere beyond the grave, Steve Jobs actually answered Amy's letter from 2007.

Of course, with any kind of new technical device, you have the people who would give anything to jump on the early adopter bandwagon, and you have the skeptics. While I think I would welcome the chance to play around with one to see if I like it, I'm not sure that I'm on the early adopter wagon. I'm not sure I'd want to be in the first wave of people to get the pump, because the first wave are always the people who get to deal with the kinks in a new device. The last time I chose a new pump, I switched from a Medtronic to a Deltec Cozmo. Of course, the Cozmo pump, which I love, is no longer being made. Would I consider a t:slim when they become available? Most certainly--it holds 300 units of insulin, and being someone who needs a larger amount (no judgements, people, you know how I feel about that) that is a vitally important feature for me.

But how will the interface react? Will it be as cool as an iPhone or an Android device, or will it have the clunky difficulty of any number of touchscreen imitators out there?

I am also not a skeptic about the t:slim. It's either going to work or it's going to be irritating. This is how it goes with most devices, including insulin pumps, cell phones, MP3 players, and glucose meters. It's surely going to meet some people's needs, but not everyone's. This is the beauty of having freedom of choice. Sure, I think everyone wants to know if the pump is going to work and work well. However, I have seen one person in a blog comment note that she was worrying people might want to steal it, mistaking it for an iPhone. I have seen folks skeptical about hooking up the USB cord to charge the pump while wearing it. I saw one commenter to a friend's blog post calling Apple products "junk" and saying they hope their pump is better than that.

Here are my responses to these 3 skeptical points of view:

1.) Stealing: If your pump gets stolen, I'm sure that is covered by your warranty. No diabetes device is immune to theft. I once left my glucose meter kit on top of my clarinet case during band rehearsal in high school. Somebody stole it, probably thinking it was a wallet. The next day, a janitor found it sitting on top of a trashcan, and I got it back thanks to either my mother or I having reported it stolen to the high school office. It may be a royal pain in the ass, but if someone were to ever steal your insulin pump, I'm sure you could get a backup script for Lantus and Novolog/Humalog/Apidra until your replacement pump could arrive. It may be inconvenient, but not the end of the world.

2.) Charging: A few weeks ago, I was in bed on my laptop and got the giggles. My laptop was plugged into the wall. Next to me on my bed was my pump, plugged into...well, me. I was also wearing some headphones to listen to music. Seriously, I had to laugh. Let me map this out for you: Wall charger inputs to laptop outputs to my headphones, insulin pump outputs insulin to my bloodstream, but it seemed like a computer connection was the next obvious step. I was directly I was one step away from making my own closed-loop system!

3.) Junk: I like Apple products. I think they are good-quality and innovative, even in ways people don't realize. Apple went touchscreen, then everybody had to have some sort of touchscreen device. The industry speculated who would become the "iPhone killer". Apple does not put together large-scale marketing campaigns because their products sell themselves. Also, I would hope a medical device containing synthetic hormones pumping into a person at all times would be held to some of the highest standards for quality, even higher than those of the smartest smartphones.

I've only had a couple of immediate doubts/questions about the t:slim pump, and those were mostly related to my personal use. I know it's supposed to be waterproof, but I know some touchscreens don't fair well when, say, dropped into a toilet. It will have to be made of the toughest possible materials because breaking/cracking sucks, no matter what kind of device it is. How does the screen lock when, say, you roll over onto it in the middle of the night? (Look, some of us sleep mostly nude. Skin contact with the screen is a possibility. Deal with it!) And last but not least, how long will it take insurance companies to cover it? I think I may be almost done with my Cozmo warranty, which makes 2012 a year of a new insulin pump if that's true. If I want to get a t:slim, I want to know that my insurance will pay for it!

Overall, I am excited to see what this new pump is going to do for us. Can I just say how excited I am that you can actually enter your numbers from a 10-digit keypad? It's the little things that make me happy, really. No more scrolling for what feels like 5 minutes for that low or high BG number. I am anxious to find out how Tandem Diabetes intends to interact with members of the diabetes community, both online and out in the world.

And now, some very silly questions regarding the t:slim. If my pump is more like an iPod Touch, will I be able to:

1.) Program pump tones from real MP3's? I want it to play "Pour Some Sugar on Me" when I'm low and "Sugar Sugar" by the Archies or "Honey Honey" by Feist when I'm too high.

2.) Play diabetes-related parody games (these are all hypothetical, but I'd love to see them) like "Angry Pancreases", "Blood Sugars with Friends" and "Free Food Ninja"?

3.) Join #DSMA on Wednesdays by livetweeting from my pump?

All right, Tandem. I look forward to watching you into 2012. I hope you guys get this right. The entire DOC is watching you.

Funky Friday, Get Down (and maybe a little dirty)

2011-11-18T13:31:00.001-05:00

I am itching to get out of the office today. It's pretty out and sunny, if a little cold, and I have homework to do for my online class, but don't you ever get that feeling that you just need to run outside and play?

It's a good day for dancing. I love dancing. I've had no formal lessons (yet), and I just like getting down. Normally, I am an indie rock type girl, but oh the dance songs. Since it's Friday, and we're on the subject of random things, here are some random songs that make me dance. And they also kinda make me laugh. Enjoy, and dance a little bit for me, will ya?

1. Adam Lambert -- "For Your Entertainment": I heard Adam was an excellent guest judge on Project Runway this year. I like him for his guyliner and his willingness to kiss boys onstage.

2. Cazwell -- "Ice Cream Truck": PROBABLY NOT FOR THE YOUNG KIDS OUT THERE. The rest of you, well, I hope you like gyrating men with popsicles and a bit of butt. Remember, this is not a post about having a good song, this is about smiling and dancing.

3. Deee-Lite -- "Groove is in the Heart": I remember dancing to this when I was a kid. I had some regular routines worked out in those days. I also wore out some Paula Abdul tapes. I'm just sayin'. This is in one of the 'Just Dance' video games, and whether you dance along or not, if you can make it through the whole song you will work up a sweat.

4. Lady Gaga -- "Born This Way": I don't really need to explain, do I? Why do I do these crazy, geeky, silly things I do? Why am I passionate about the things I like? [Other questions that are more private.] Baby, I was born this way!

5. Scissor Sisters -- "Any Which Way": Okay, yes, there is a bit of a gay disco theme to this whole set of songs. I blame you, David. That's right. You. I bet you won't even read this. I love Jake Shears and Ana Matronic. And this video's tongue, which is planted directly in its cheek.

World Diabetes Day 2011: Devil with a Blue Dress On

2011-11-13T23:42:00.001-05:00

Oh dear god how I wish I had a blue dress to wear today! Instead, I settled for a blue camisole under a brown printed wrap dress that I like. The blue is for diabetes awareness.

The brown is because...diabetes makes us feel like crap? *grin*

Diabetes sucks. Diabetes is everywhere in the world. It shortens people's lives. It kills children and adults in places where good care is not available or even remotely affordable. Diabetes is right here in Philadelphia, and unfortunately, it's huge.

We can try to light buildings in blue or have fun flash mobs or advocate for a symbol to unite everyone with the cause of diabetes.

Diabetes, for many, is deadly. If current trends continue, 1 in 3 Americans could be diabetic by 2050. I'll be 68. I love the Diabetes OC, but look, if every 3rd person in the US has a d-blog by then, I'll never catch up! Heck, I barely catch up now.

I'm not saying I need the country to be purchasing blue appliances, but it might be nice to see some blue circle magnets on the backs of cars. I want to see people to actually unite on World Diabetes Day the same way people rally around World AIDS Day. We don't see advertisements of crying, hugging families after the JDRF or the American Diabetes Association walks, but breast cancer walk advertising is everywhere. Pink things are everywhere. People are definitely aware of breast cancer.

I believe diabetes is an even bigger threat than that, and our levels of "awareness" on the whole in this country are pretty sad. You might think you have a touch of the sugar. You may think you can be cured, just like Halle Berry. (*snort*) Diabetes is here. It's not going anywhere. I think it's high time everyone in this country realizes it is a serious problem.

What have I done on this World Diabetes Day? I have a blue camisole on. I used blue post-it notes. I went to the dentist, where I sat in a blue chair and was informed I have to have more cavities filled, which made me...blue. I paused to think about mortality--it is Dr. Frederick Banting's birthday, and without him, we may not have ever had the insulin that saves all of our Type 1 lives. I realized, returning from a Symlin vacation of a couple of weeks, that there are blue circles on the Symlin pen. I took a deep breath, thankful for all I have, maybe just a tad nervous for next week's endocrinologist appointment.

Happy World Diabetes Day, everyone. I hope that in the coming years, diabetes gains the ubiquitous awareness it rightfully deserves.

Self-Portrait Saturday #5

2011-11-12T10:35:00.001-05:00

A picture taken yesterday, on one of November's Blue Fridays, in which I wore blue for Diabetes Awareness. I also tried on this ridiculous hat at a discount store for awareness of how silly I am. (Which, in case you haven't figured it out yet, is "very".)

GRETEL!

Na-No-Oh-No.

2011-11-06T20:42:00.004-05:00

Well, gang, I blew it. One busy weekend of running about and having a grand adventure plus a bunch of homework to catch up on means I have neglected a couple of days' worth of blog posts. So much for a post a day. Sigh.

It's okay, though. It's still National Diabetes Awareness Month, I'm still ready to write, so please, do stick around, won't you?

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2011-11-03T19:22:00.001-04:00

I was born blonde. I have always been blonde. I've had hairstylists tell me I have a hair color some women would kill for.

But I like to experiment. I am rebellious (outwardly in some ways, inwardly in many more), and if I could get away with it, I'd probably have bright pink streaks or electric blue highlights. I've never been brave enough to do anything drastic to my hair, though. I've cut it. I've highlighted and lowlighted, I even have done more golden blonde shades before, but I've never had a serious change.

So when my friend Shelaine, who is a fabulous hairstylist & colorist, said she thought I'd look good with darker hair, the gears in my mind started turning. I'm 29, turning 30 in early 2012. I have a good job where they know me pretty well. It's not going to be anything technicolor and crazy. Dammit, I was just curious about what it was like to be a non-blonde. I've been feeling a little off in the self-esteem department lately, and what I really needed was some kind of pick-me-up.

But...change my hair color?

Hmmm.

This golden, baby-fine fluffy stuff that other women only wish they could get from a box? Was I...ready? I was excited and terrified at the thoughts. What if it looked terrible? What if it looked okay but I didn't like it? What if nobody else thought it looked good? What happens when you change a part of you that everyone finds recognizable? Will it be like living in someone else's body? Would I really be the same when all was said and done?

Yes? No? Maybe so?

You may know me as that silly, often sassy, blonde 'betes blogger. Well, she's still here. She just changed her hair color. They say blondes have more fun, but don't redheads get into more of the good kind of trouble? I guess we're going to find out.

Ta-da!

Give Diabetes, Not JDRF, The Finger

2011-11-02T18:55:00.001-04:00

So in the aftermath of yesterday's Type 1 Day, I've seen all kinds of cool things. We got a shoutout on Twitter from comedian Chelsea Handler. Mary McCormack, who plays the lead character on USA's In Plain Sight set up a donation page for the JDRF. If that's not enough, check page three to see a donation from Edward Norton. Yes, that Edward Norton. (The first rule of JDRF Club is you don't talk about how you donated to JDRF Club?) Hell, members of the DOC were featured on MSNBC today! So proud of all of you, by the way.

But there is one thing I've noticed in the aftermath that I find to be negative, and that's people's negative attitudes about giving diabetes the finger. I've seen a couple people saying they found the idea mildly offensive, or they wouldn't want to share this idea with their children.

I don't think telling kids to give diabetes "the finger" was the idea in this campaign. I'm not saying I'm a marketing professional exactly, but a large portion of my eduation was focused that way. You don't start a campaign without knowing your target audience. Many of us in the DOC have remarked time and again that we want the JDRF to remember all of us with Type 1. Kids with juvenile type 1 diabetes grow up to be adults with type 1 diabetes. I saw a statistic somewhere online that half of all new diagnoses of T1 are adults. NEWSFLASH: Adults (such as those of us in the DOC) were probably the main target of this campaign! Maybe older kids as well, who can get in on the joke without actually being offensive.

"Meg", the star of the Type 1 Day viral video ads, is clearly a young adult. The ad itself is a commerical parodying 50's and early 60's-style advertising. This ad is not really aimed at a child, though there is nothing harmful for a child to see in it. It's obvious to me that the target audience was more like Type 3's, and of course, all the adults with Type 1 that the JDRF has been trying to better serve lately. JDRF even has a downloadable Type 1 Toolkit for Adults. For the record, "Meg" looks like the kind of person I'd choose to be pals with.

Maybe this just has something to do with the fact that I have rosy, chubby cheeks, and I enjoy making cheesy faces. Like this one below. Also, if anyone is paying attention out there, "Meg", I love your dress! Where did you get it? I too have an affinity for flippy skirts and black with bright colors, see?

I could be giving diabetes the finger in this photo and you'd never know it!

And guess what? I may look cute and bubbly, but I want to give type 1 the finger, and not a big foam one. Anytime one of us on the DOC says "Duck Fiabetes" on Twitter, we really want to say the other thing, don't we? Grown-ups, haven't you wanted to just tell diabetes to fuck off? For me, it's at least once a day. I personally want to cheer the JDRF for this viral campaign, because it makes me smile and it's real talk for what grown-ups with diabetes think about, presented in a lighthearted way.

I think the JDRF did this campaign the right way. Notice how it doesn't have the glossy production values of some of their other videos. This was not exactly meant to run side-by-side with Nick Jonas and sincere appeals for donations.

I say we all give diabetes the finger. Whatever finger we want to. But I guess if you're too young to get into a rated-R movie without an adult, you may want to stick to the big blue foam ones. At least cover your finger of choice with a big blue foam one so Mom, Dad and Grandma don't find out. Keep it real, kids.

Type 1 Day 2011 - Type 1 D in 3

2011-11-01T17:35:00.000-04:00

Today, 11/1/11, has been declared Type 1 Day by the JDRF, who has been encouraging people with Type 1 to post their T1D-in-3 tweets to Twitter all day long. I posted a couple, but I don't want to overdo it with the tweets--it's still the workday, after all. We are to come up with three words that describe having type 1, what it's like to live with type 1, or something you want people to know about type 1.

And I, of course, am extraordinarily silly. So here are some T1D-in-3's for your enjoyment.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Still eating cookies.

Diabetes isn't fun.

Not Wilford Brimley.

Many doctors' appointments.

Too much blood.

All carb counting.

All the time.

Eating that? Yes.

Dancing lowers glucose.

Keep smiling, sugar.

Type 1 dorky.

I hope you're all having a great Type 1 Day, dear readers. Also, welcome anybody who is following the Wego Health Blog Month challenge!

Happy Halloween from Dorkabetic!

2011-10-31T19:30:00.002-04:00

This is just a friendly holiday reminder to count those carbs! Also, be sensible. My middle school years led to me sneaking candy for a month or so after Halloween. (Sorry, Mom. I guess I was secretive in my rebellion.)

I HAVE THE [PLASTIC] POWER!

Our very good friend Shelaine has a 4-year-old son, and this year he is dressing up as Teen Wolf. Yep, Michael J. Fox Teen Wolf. How he came up with this, I am not exactly sure, because I don't think he's seen any of the movies. All this got me thinking of Halloween costumes from my past, and a friend of mine was posting photos of vintage vinyl costumes on Facebook all day today. I remembered my personal favorite (and probably last) vinyl Halloween costume. She-Ra, Princess of Power.

You don't see vinyl Halloween costumes anymore. You never really looked all that cool while wearing one, at least not here on the East Coast, because it would be pulled over a couple of layers of clothing, and you'd get all sweaty behind that plastic mask. For the record, though, that cape was in my dress-up rotation for a while.

Anyway, She-Ra was way cooler than most princesses, more badass than Disney offerings, and had a lot more in common with Xena, Warrior Princess and Wonder Woman. Fighting crazy baddies with a sword, being the leader of a rebel alliance AND finding love? Seriously, that's a princess. (Bonus DOC points: she rides on a winged unicorn!)

This costume was pre-diabetes...Halloween with the big D came about 3 years later. In my mind, I am still leading rebellions, waving a sword around, and saving the day. Oh, and I totally want this:

For the honor of f**king Greyskull, ThinkGeek.com. I think YOU may have the power until I own this shirt.

Happy Halloween, everybody! What's your favorite costume from your past?

xoxo,
Han-Nah, Princess of Pumping

A Visit to the Occupation

2011-10-17T18:44:00.001-04:00

Regardless of what you may or may not think about the Occupy Wall Street movement and all of its branch-off movements, despite the fact that it's not exactly a perfect system, I still think it's pretty remarkable. It's a movement that is difficult for the media to track, tricky for many Americans to even understand. Hell, I will be completely honest with you in that I don't understand everything about it yet, but I do think it's pretty great. I went to see Occupy Philadelphia for myself this weekend. I ended up joining a march and getting an unexpected surprise.

City Hall, Philadelphia PA (photo by me, Oct. 2011)

On their Facebook page, Occupy Philadelphia was asking for various donations, and one in particular caught my eye: Glucometer and strips. Knowing that people were planning on living outside of City Hall in Philly for weeks, knowing that there were medical tents treating not only protesters but the homeless in the area, I felt like I could help out. I have a bunch of extra meters in my closet, as many of us do these days, and I just happened to have some extra unexpired test strips for that meter. I bagged everything up in a freezer bag, tucked it into my purse, and set off for the city.

I paid almost an arm and a leg for parking and set off for the west side of City Hall. This is where the tents are. Most of the protesters had already cleared out by the time I was approaching, off on part one of a two-part march on Saturday that was to end at the anti-war rally being held on Independence Mall. They had probably started marching while I was scrambling for a place to park. The Philadelphia police tend to block intersections to let the protesters march in the streets. It's better than the alternative, which is police brutality and Occupiers forgetting they are there to protest peacefully. I think Philly's demonstrations have been very successful in avoiding confrontations.

I could hear hand drums in the distance. I looked down JFK Boulevard, and coming up the street, stretched across all 4 lanes, was the group. I watched as they came closer, then figured, what the heck. I've never marched in a demonstration before. I took off, jogging across 15th Street and down JFK, and I'm a terrible jogger. I was winded as I approached the oncoming crowd, but I jumped right in.

"WE. ARE. THE 99%! (And so are you!)" we chanted all the way down and around City Hall again. As a cop car came to block the intersection for the next leg of the march, I ducked out. I do support what the Occupy movement is doing and the way it attempts to bring people together. I marched next to a man who was only a few years younger than my dad would have been this year. I passed a bunch of women who appeared to be in their mid-70s with a banner that read Grannies for Peace.

I grabbed my donation from my purse and headed off to the medical tent. There was a volunteer working the table, which was relatively organized for having little formal storage space. There were multiple bottles of hand sanitizer, a shelf with bandages, a few OTC pill bottles, bandages, alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, etc.

"Excuse me," I said to the volunteer, who greeted me cheerfully back. "I saw on your Facebook page that you were looking for donations of glucometers? Because I've brought this one for you. And there are some strips and lancets too."

"Oh, um, okay thanks," said the volunteer, who was probably younger than me. The doctor (who was actually a med student and not an official doctor quite yet) finished talking to his previous visitor and noticed the volunteer putting things away. "Check it out, Brad!" the volunteer smiled. "We got ourselves a glucometer!"

Dr. Brad froze in his tracks and looked relieved. "Oh my God, that's great! From who?" he asked.

I grinned and waved. "From me!" I said.

He took a few more steps toward me. He had an equally silly grin on his face. "Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?"

"I love hugs!" And with that, I got a big squeeze from Dr. Brad. I apologized that I didn't have more that I could have brought for him. He reassured me that just having that glucometer helped, as they had none before, and they have a lot of diabetics around. Between the number of protesters, the uninsured and the homeless who take shelter around City Hall, that came as no surprise to me.

It did my heart good to know that so many people of varying ages and backgrounds are trying to bring about positive change. It felt great knowing I could directly help some PWDs in need. And hugs from cute med student doctors who are close to my own age? Well, it's not every day a doctor thanks you for anything.

Also, in the laughs department, I say my fellow PWDs should occupy! 99% of your beta cells have nothing while there's a mysterious 1% that drops your blood glucose for no good reason. Occupy your pancreas!

Coming Out a Day Late

2011-10-12T13:27:00.000-04:00

I posted this to Facebook yesterday, but it is clearly worth repeating here:

Happy National Coming Out Day! Regardless of who you love, how you love, and how you choose to identify yourself, just remember to be yourself always. We here at Dorkabetic proudly support the LGBTQ community. If you don't like that, well, I'm sorry. I am who I am, and you are who you are, and it's all love to me.

Honestly, folks, I don't spend a ton of time talking about my personal politics and beliefs here. It's mostly just snippets. There are some things I probably will never discuss in depth here, but I am going to take this moment and come out to all of you. I am sure many of you are not surprised at all.

I am a fag hag. For these two fellows.

L to R: David, Sam, some guy with beads who I don't know, Jess who is also way cool. Photo credit: D. Mangini

If I were to ever explain the hows and whys, it may not be as straightforward a story as you'd expect. But there they are. I've always got their backs, and hopefully they've always got mine.

If you are the type of person who refuses to be accepting of all the fabulous LGBTQ (and asexual, etc.) people in this world, could you do me a favor? At least be tolerant. Be respectful of humanity. Even though Fred Phelps hates no one more in this world than homosexuals and their "sympathizers", wouldn't we all be happier if he kept his views to himself? Dr. Keith Ablow of Fox News thinks that letting your children watch trans*man Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars will make your kids think about transgendered people as normal, acceptable people just like cis-gendered (the gender you were born as) celebrities! The horror!

I don't think that God hates fags at all. I am pretty sure that God hates hatred.

I look forward to a time when we don't need a special day to declare our preferences or our secret identities to our loved ones. Perhaps one day, telling your folks that you're a man who loves men , a woman who loves women, or you're just completely queer will be no different than telling someone you've decided to go to college to become an accountant. I hope one day, acceptance will be universally common.

5 Years and Then Some

2011-09-30T11:33:00.003-04:00

Did you know that the traditional 5-year anniversary gift in the UK is sugar? [Well, that's at least what Wikipedia says, and Wikipedia is never wrong, right?]

One of the things that got me interested in blogging in the first place was visiting the forums at the American Diabetes Association and seeing moms there fretting that their Type 1 kids would never find love or happiness. Maybe no one would marry their sons or daughters because of diabetes. Somebody needed to prove those moms wrong and reassure them that everything was gonna be okay.

I was engaged when I started Dorkabetic, then got married a couple of months later. Matt has never known me without diabetes. We were together when I got my first pump. While diabetes can cause some worries that I'm sure couples without diabetes don't have to deal with, it shouldn't stop you from being in love. I mean, just look at how disgustingly cute we are. I will give you a high blood sugar just by merely showing you these photos!

OMG. Best. Cake. Ever. Wish I could have it every year.

Mmm, carbs. There we are, on our big day. Matt is seriously my best friend, my favorite person in the universe. I am so glad we found each other. I couldn't ask for a better husband.

He goes to the D-Meetups with me! (And Allison and Scott and Kelly and Gary and Betty)

Plus he's just so freaking cute. I can't stand it.

And silly, too. We are both very silly people.

Happy Anniversary, Matt! <3

Much like relationships on Facebook, it's complicated.

2011-09-28T15:45:00.000-04:00

I'd like you to picture a seesaw, or a tire swing, or a pendulum. Anything that constantly goes up and down, or back and forth, or both.

I've talked of my depression before, of the medication that keeps me stable. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not sure what I want, who I want, how I'm going to get anywhere. I have moments of great hollowness where I dig to the bottom and find nothing exceptional. I have moments where I see love everywhere, and sunshine and rainbows and cuddly little baby bunnies.

This is how I've felt lately. Good, bad, good, bad, better, worse, better, worse, good.

Overall, of course, my direction is positive. I have not lost hope. Maybe I just need an adjustment of the aforementioned medication.

I am wondering if it's just because the time until I turn 30 is constantly shrinking. It's less than 5 months away. I'm not one of those people who's afraid to turn 30, but my recurring feelings tell me I'm not where I'm supposed to be. This is not what I expected. My biological clock is occasionally yelling at me these days, rather aggressively, and I respond to it the same way I respond to my first alarm every workday morning, "Ugh, not now."

I haven't written enough poems lately. I haven't written enough blog posts. I keep flirting with writing fiction again, as I haven't done it in years. If there is one thing I know about myself, it's that I am meant to write. I need to stop denying myself this freedom and pleasure, because maybe that's the one great thing I have going for me all the time.

I own this blog. I own these words. I own this sense of self.

Give me the strength to stop neglecting things. All the things.

Friday Fragments

2011-09-02T11:32:00.000-04:00

1. I missed Diabetes Art Day yesterday. I may have some time to cook up something over the weekend. Hey, it's never too late for art, right? Of course not! A creative lady such as myself knows these things.

2. Stacey posted about retinopathy recently, and this has got me nervous. I have finally scheduled an opthamologist appointment for myself coming up on September 22nd. Keeping up with eye appointments has not been high on my priority list at all. I think it's been around 4 years now. Remember a year and a half ago when I made my first visit to a dentist in a few years? It was 3 trips back after that one to have cavities filled, and I'd never had a cavity in my life before. I don't know what kind of news there will be about my eyes.

3. Can I tell you how excited I am that it's Labor Day weekend? Even though the year is flying by at an alarming rate, it means fall will be on its way soon enough, and I absolutely love the fall. Also coming up at the end of September is my 5th wedding anniversary. Talk about time flying. Geez.

4. My friend Jane is an awesome lady who knows how to throw a fabulous party with poetry and cupcakes. Also she writes horoscopes, which she has confessed are a great way to write love letters to everyone once a week. I suggest you read them.

5. For the first time in years, I am wearing a medical ID bracelet. It's actually really cool. I will be telling you all about that next week, and I am totally excited to announce there will be a giveaway coming up too.

6. If you are not my personal Facebook friend, you probably missed this, but one day, as I was scanning a document with one hand and changing some pump supplies with the other, I had this thought: Look at me go! I can have it all! I'm like Mary Tyler Moore if she had diab....ohhhh. Hahaha. Riiiiight.

Hurricane not-Hannah

2011-08-28T01:31:00.000-04:00

So Irene seems poised to dump all kinds of crazy rain and wind and overall badness onto my neighborhood, by which I mean the greater Philadelphia area. I hope everyone is safe, comfortable, and that you still have power.

I have been in Williamsport all weekend at my mom's house for a cousin's wedding. I brought extra pump supplies, etc. just in case I would be stuck here. Not so much because I'm afraid of what the storm will do here. I'm in north central Pennsylvania right now. We might get some rain, but nothing like we're having at home. Matt is still at home, diligently keeping an eye on our sump pump. He even tied down all our lawn furniture, as he should have. I'm just worrying that I may not really be able to get home tomorrow because of road closures, downed trees, the potential of flood waters.

Mayor Michael Nutter in Philadelphia has warned Philly residents to be prepared for the worst flooding in 50 years. Granted I am probably a good 20 miles from the city proper, but that is still close enough to worry about my home. To worry about all that crap we've had in the basement for two years. To worry about my friends in the area just a bit...okay, more than just a bit. Seriously, guys, I hope you're all okay and that I will still find you to be okay in the morning.

Much love and hope and good vibes for anyone in the path of this nasty storm. I just hope I can get home soon.

Two Weeks on Symlin

2011-08-19T11:38:00.000-04:00

I remember now what this feels like.

The random sweating during the day, the occasionally floaty feeling in my head. Is my blood sugar dropping? Is it just kind of a faux-low because I am going from high to normal?

Symlin has been going well so far. I am ramping up my doses very slowly, because I remember that's what worked best for me last time. Going from one dose to another too quickly definitely brought on the nausea, and nobody likes that. I was surprised at how simple it was to re-adjust to pen injections after so many years on a pump. I had forgotten what all that knob-twisting and priming felt like. I tend to wear dresses to work, so I am perfecting the art of the quick injection through the clothes. I did my injection so fast at lunch with a co-worker the other day that she didn't even notice I had done anything. Stealthy!

(Hmm, just realizing you can't spell "healthy" without most of "stealthy"...)

I have been seeing a lot more numbers under 200 mg/dl, which is awesome for me. I am satisfied with smaller amounts of food, and about that? I'm finding if you don't take the Symlin at least 10 minutes before your lunch, you will suddenly find yourself stuffed in the middle of whatever you chose for your lunch that day. I tend to eat one thing at a time, so it's kind of a let-down if you were looking forward to soup while wondering if you are even going to be able to finish your salad. (First World problems!)

Not THIS kind of Symlin pen, silly.

What's really unpleasant is counting the exact number of carbs, bolusing, eating and then dropping like a rock an hour and a half later. They are very spikey drops, and with no CGMS, I'm not really sure how fast I'm falling. If I test after a meal, like last night, and my BG is at 92 mg/dl, and I'm experiencing low symptoms, it's a good bet to just eat some sugar and hope for the best. I had some glucose tabs and an hour and a half later I was at 97 mg/dl.

Those are the effects of Symlin right there. I also forgot about how sometimes when I am on Symlin, my highs sometimes start feeling like lows, just a little. Normally highs are just times when I'm sleepy, cranky and thirsty, but with Symlin, some of them have been joined by that weird adrenaline-rush drifty feeling.

For the most part, Symlin and I are pals. Will this progress into a long-term relationship? I guess we'll see. Stick around, and maybe you'll find out.

Self-Portrait Saturday #4

2011-08-13T10:56:00.000-04:00

So what does my self-portrait Saturday initiative have to do with diabetes? Nothing? Maybe everything? Hopefully you fine readers don't get tired of seeing my face every Saturday. I suppose, if you think about it, this is the portrait of someone who's living with Type 1 every day. Sure, it's always along for the ride, but it stays pretty quiet most of the time. I have a great life, and I love the freedom that I have.

For example, the photo below was taken in our Yaris on the way to a performance of Matt's band in Philadelphia. If you want to see a real dive, well, that's where they played--dark, not actually suited to be a music venue but it is anyway. I left straight from work, so I rocked out my business casual dress with some eyeliner and a funky headband. Being in a moving vehicle accounts for the blurriness.

A little bit business time, a little bit rock-n-roll.

Self-Portrait Saturday #3

2011-08-06T18:25:00.002-04:00

Soooo...I tried to start this as an initiative, and I'm picking it back up. #1 is here, and #2 is here, in case you missed them at some point in history. Because you probably did. How many people really read diabetes blogs on Saturday anyway?

You may have seen this if you are my personal Facebook friend. It's still one of my favorite self-portraits of recent times.

The Naked Truth

2011-08-04T17:59:00.001-04:00

I do try to keep my blogging, for the most part, relatively safe for work. In today's post, I am going to talk about nudity and other subjects as an adult. If that's not safe for your work, well, you best read this at home. Same goes for any kiddos out there--this one is probably at least rated PG-13 for mature themes and nakedness!

I was applying makeup with a girlfriend (we'll call her S) on Saturday in preparation for another friend's 30th birthday bash. The theme our friend had chosen was "Topless Tapas". Now, I'm sure there are not a lot of us out there who have ever been to a topless or clothing-optional party before. Before Saturday, I was one of these people, but I have some very progressive friends. In between critiquing our choices of eyeshadow colors, S confessed something to me.

"I'm feeling really self-conscious," she said. "I'm fat, and I've got bumps, and scars, and stretch marks, and I managed to get this stupid zit between my boobs. I don't really know how I feel about doing this, y'know?"

I spoke some encouraging words about how my own body is decidedly not perfect, and everyone at the party has very different body types, weights, skin types, and levels of fuzziness. (Seriously, folks, my most Papa Bear-esque friend was not the hairiest boy at the party by a longshot.)

All the while, I was silently weighing my own thoughts about baring some or all of my body to the whole room. I am plus-sized and busty, but I have narrow hips and my ass is kind of round-ish and kind of flat-ish at the same time. I have a massive appendectomy scar. I'm quite pale. My ankles have a fun hobby of swelling up all the damn time. Oh yeah, also I'm a cyborg with an always-connected tube somewhere on my abdomen, red marks from old sites, gray patches where adhesive just hasn't quite washed off in the shower.

I don't have a problem with getting naked overall. I mean, I'm not shy. I have never been timid about showing my body when in bed with someone. I'm not one to demand that somebody needs to turn the lights off. Leave 'em on! Put on some extra spotlights if you feel so inclined! The way I've always seen it is this--if you've had the fortune to find yourself in my bed, you are there to appreciate me, and if you see something you don't like, well, that's your problem. (Just please be careful, too many sudden movements near one's infusion site can spell disaster!)

This party was being attended by many of my nearest and dearest pals, people I've been emotionally intimate with for a while now, people I trust wholeheartedly, but still, I was nervous. Was it because there were going to be some strangers there? What was making me so anxious about running around without a top on?

I guess it's just because you'd think it would feel different hanging around like that. You have stripped away your barriers, your physical disguises. My friends would pretty much have no choice but to see an infusion set, a length of tubing running down into the pocket of my shorts, gray blotches of adhesive that don't come off my bright white skin until I scrub with some solvent.

I was shocked to find I felt shy because of diabetes. Even though it was playing a relatively small role in my anxiety, it was an odd thing to acknowledge. A cyborg pancreas can be fun, but the thought of a bunch of strangers seeing my boobs and asking what that plastic thingy was all about made me grit my teeth a bit. I didn't bare all that evening. I took off my shirt and showed the world my fabulous bra, but that was as far as I went. I was happy and comfortable, plus my friend's house does not have AC, and trust me, there is no worse sweat than boob sweat. (TMI? Sorry, friends. I only speak the truth!) There were a few people at the party who didn't disrobe at all. Overall, it just felt like your average 30th birthday party with tapas, booze, birthday cake...oh, and a bunch more exposed nipples than usual.

The next evening I found myself in bed on my laptop in nothing but my skivvies. My pump was next to me, tubing stretched out a bit. My laptop was plugged into the wall. My headphones were plugged into my laptop. They led back to my head. I had to stop and laugh at what a picture this was--one almost-naked woman and a mess of wires, both inputs and outputs.

I guess the point I am trying to get to with all this is that it's okay to be naked, to be exposed when you have diabetes. Nobody feels uncomfortable about showing a few red dots on the fingertips from too many BG checks, but not everyone is willing to hike up their shirt or skirt to show someone what a real pump site looks like. Hot diabetic celebs are not posing in bikinis or bare chests to show off their sexy new CGM transmitter/infusion set combo. Type 1 pin-up girls are not posing suggestively with insulin pumps peeking out of their retro lingerie.

Have you ever sent somebody a suggestive picture, but you've had to angle it so they don't see a giant red mark on your arm from an injection? Do you always wear sleeves long enough to cover up your Omnipod? Should we all get naked with our diabetes? Like, really really naked? Have you ever, physically, made a bold statement that says "Yes I have diabetes!"?

Keyword Craziness

2011-08-01T19:37:00.000-04:00

Everyone loves a good post on silly keyword searches on your blog, right? While mine are not as wacky as Kerri's or Allison's or some other folks', I think these were some gems worth sharing:

Dorkabetic: Sure, it seems pretty obvious, but come on, it makes me say, "You like me! You really like me!"

Bleeding madras washed: So apparently, a lot of madras plaids are actually (or have been) known as "bleeding madras", I guess because the way they are woven and then washed, the colors bleed into the whiter parts of the fabric. At least, that is the gist I've gleaned from this little essay from Lands' End, who I'm pretty sure sell nothing short of a shit-ton of madras plaids. However, there's this one time I just happened to be wearing a madras plaid, and then I bled all over myself, so I guess now I'm showing up in someone's search results.

Bridge Camden Philadelphia: I have a poem in which I mention the Ben Franklin Bridge, but I've never posted it here. I've taken a few trips from Philly into New Jersey and back. I have no idea why this brought someone to my blog. None. Also, I've heard that NJ now charges you $5 to get out of the state. Seriously, you never have to pay a bridge toll going into New Jersey, but now they are charging you $5 a trip to get out, regardless of whether you are on the Ben Franklin, the Walt Whitman or the Delaware Memorial bridges. Sheesh! I am not going to stay, NJ! I will scrape up the five bucks!

Getting a dorks attention: Oooohhh, this one is my favorite. Here are some tips. First, maybe send me an email, I'm pretty likely to respond. Oh, maybe they weren't looking for information on me specifically? You can probably search out most dorks by finding and participating in the things they like to do. Do you play World of Warcraft or other MMORPGs? Do you like to LARP? Have you ever attempted to pick someone up at a poetry reading, a bookstore, a library or a comic book shop? Do you enjoy any of the following fandoms: Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, etc.? Your prospects for getting a dork's attention are endless, dear readers! You just have to be creative! And encourage them not to be shy. And seriously, if you're looking to get my attention, I'm listening. Email me. :)

Family Comes in All Forms, or Who You Gonna Call When You Go to the Hospital?

2011-07-20T17:11:00.001-04:00

This is a post about love, friendship, the family we choose for ourselves.

On Monday afternoon, my very dear friend David sent me a rather frantic message. “Sam saw a doctor and is going to the ER. They don’t know if it’s mono or meningitis.” I swear my heart stopped for an instant, then launched into a rather anxious, rapid pattern. They were just words on a screen, and yet I could feel the weight and the panic. Meningitis can be very, very nasty, even deadly, and spinal taps are the only way to test for it, and those are extraordinarily painful. Mono can be pretty awful as well. Sam is David’s boyfriend. David works second shift, so he was nowhere near the hospital.

Allow me to back up for a moment here to tell you about these friends of mine.

David and I have been pals for well over a year now, and we’ve grown very close for a number of reasons. I’ve spent enough time hanging out with him that it almost warrants keeping a stash of diabetes supplies at his apartment. He happens to live about three blocks away, so we are sort of emergency backups for each other. If Matt and I went on a road trip but left the stove on, I could call David and he’d go take care of it for us. We have that kind of friendship. Some may say I am a fag hag.

Sam is adorable and vivacious. He has one of my favorite cheesy grins when people take his picture. In January, at a big dance party held at our friends’ place, David bumped into me in the kitchen to confide that he thought Sam was really cute. We’d both just met him, but I definitely agreed with David. The two of them were then chatting for a large portion of the evening. Soon after, they were dating, and my circle of close friends grew yet again.

Nowadays, David and Sam show up to parties, dinners, picnics, the gay bar, movie nights, many things as a twosome. I know how much they care for each other. They are that couple that leaves cute little notes for each other on Facebook so the world can see. Always smiling, holding hands, stealing kisses. I love their love—it’s fantastic to see two friends so happy together.

Poor David was scared, that much was very clear to me. He was feeling guilty that because of the nature of his job, he couldn’t rush back to the hospital to be at Sam’s side for whatever was about to happen. I imagined if Matt and I had a similar situation. I was fortunate enough that he was there when I had to have my appendix out in 2009; he’s the one who drove me to the ER. Then I realized that as a heterosexual couple, we might not even have to face some of the difficulties that David and Sam could potentially encounter. I kept David talking, just as anxious for updates on Sam’s diagnosis as he was, and felt somewhat helpless. I didn’t really think there was much I could do.

My mind continued to wander. What if I landed in the hospital now? Which of my friends would come to visit? What if something would happen to Matt? How would I handle it? What if something happened to David? David doesn’t have health insurance. I thought of my other friends with no health insurance. I thought of how many diabetes-related situations could send me to the ER.

The best thing I could do as a friend was be there for him, and be supportive. So what I said was this:

I don't really know what I can do to help you right now, I just want to wrap you in a blanket and let you cry if you need to and hand you tissues and put my arms around you. I know you are scared. I'm trying my best to say nice, reassuring things. I'm not sure that I'm always great with what to say in these situations, but I can hug. And let people cry.

David thanked me. He kept me updated on Sam’s condition for the rest of the day. Not mono; Sam had a spinal tap and waiting on results. Sam’s mom was there at the hospital too. He asked if maybe I could stop by during visiting hours. Shortly after, he sent another update: not meningitis. I breathed a sigh of relief, and I knew David had just done the same. Just a nasty infection coupled with some sort of flu—they pumped Sam full of antibiotics were keeping him overnight to keep an eye on things. That night, David snuck in through the ER door after visiting hours and made his way to Sam’s room. I can only imagine how grateful he must have felt that it wasn’t as serious as it could have been.

They sent Sam home today. I visited yesterday, and both David and Sam were there. We all laughed and swapped war stories about the other times we’d each been in the hospital. Sam complained about his IV, which was literally occluded every time he bent his arm. I cracked wise that my insulin pump had fewer issues, and you’d think a huge IV could do better. And it all just made me think about how love and friendship are so powerfully intertwined when you know the right people.

One thing that David had told me was that he wasn’t sure who he would tell if he had to be admitted to the hospital…I suggested Sam, his mother, and his favorite fag hag.

That made me wonder, for those of us who may not have our real families living close by (like me), or may not have family that we even talk to, who would you tell if you had to go into the hospital? Who would take care of you? Who would help you get back on your feet? Who is around to hug and comfort the people who are concerned about you?

I'm confident that if something unfortunate ever happens to me, I'll have wonderful, reliable, loving friends to help out, maybe even before Matt can get home from work, and before my mom could drive the 3 and a half hours to get here. I am so thankful to have so much love in my life.

My Diabetes Turned 21 and All I Got Was This Lousy A1C

2011-07-13T18:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to my endocrinologist. She's a very lovely lady. This is only the second time I've seen her, but I do like her. She is quick and relatively thorough. The first time I went to her office, which is in a big medical office building near where I work, I felt like I was going to see some kind of endocrinology celebrity. There was a HUGE poster in the front lobby with her picture and her credentials on it. She was down-to-earth and truly listened to my concerns. You don't get that kind of treatment from a lot of doctors with larger than life pictures, I can tell you that.

We went over my test results, of course. Kidneys are normal. Liver and thyroid are also normal. Always a relief. LDL cholesterol is slightly elevated (should ideally be 100, it's 120), but that's nothing a little exercise and a healthier diet probably can't fix. The big issue, the thing that is hardest to admit, is the A1C score. But hey, to show you that I am just a young woman struggling with diabetes like the rest of the world, here's the number:

9.8.

That's right. There it is. It ain't pretty, and yet I'm not really afraid of it. I feel empowered knowing the truth. I feel like I'm going to work to fix this, and the tool I'm going to attempt to bring this thing down with comes in a pen: Symlin. I haven't used Symlin in a couple of years, but I am willing to give it another go. When I was using it, it was really working for me. Using it forced me to pay attention to my blood sugars and also everything that I ate every day. I had the lowest low I've ever had while taking Symlin: 32 mg/dl. I was very alert (albeit seeing a few spots) and able to get myself glucose tabs to bring myself back up, but it was enough to let me know that I need to keep an eye on myself at all times.

And that is precisely what I need right now. A kick in the pants that says, "Hey you, Type 1! You gotta work on that shit, remember?" I really want to remember.

I think my dia-versary was officially sometime last week. I've never known my exact date of diagnosis--it was pretty traumatic for the family, and my poor mom's memory for the date is foggy.

My little Type 1 has turned 21! I propose drinks to celebrate it being legal. If you think you'd be down for a little d-meetup 21st birthday dinner for my diabetes in the greater Philly area, send me an email: nrrdygrrl-at-gmail-dot-com. I'm not celebrating my crappy A1C. I am celebrating the fact that I am alive, well, and still trying to stay positive and get healthier.

Kindred Spirits

2011-06-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

Last week, I was waiting patiently for my sandwich at the local Wawa deli counter. (Wawa is THE convenience store in the greater Philadelphia area. People are passionate about this, maybe even to a fault. I was raised a little bit more west, so I have a preference for Sheetz.) I was the only one waiting on my food for a couple of minutes, and then for some reason some motion next to me caught my eye.

There was a guy standing next to me, about my own age with black-rimmed glasses, long hair, and some sort of screenprinted t-shirt. Maybe for a band. He looked like the type of person I would see at a concert. He was dressed a little like Matt. I see people like this and assume they're nice.

I don't know what possessed me to look downward slightly, but that's where I noticed it--pump tubing reaching out of his pocket and up under his clothes somewhere. His pocket hung open just enough that I could see the top of a Minimed insulin pump. I smiled, then started thinking, "Should I say something? Should I ask him about it? I really want to say hello!" Yet I know not everyone geeks out over their insulin pumps. Some people don't even want other people to know they have diabetes. Not everyone is comfortable when an enthusiastically talkative stranger whips out her own insulin pump and wants to chat about it. This dude probably just wants to get his sub and go home.

I did try to catch his eye, but he wandered off to get a cup of coffee.

I've read a few accounts on the DOC of similar run-ins. How do you guys handle it when you see someone else who obviously is doing something related to diabetes (i.e. wearing a pump, testing their blood, etc.)? Do you casually say hello? Do you just offer a kind, understanding smile? Do you pretend they don't exist? I get really excited when I see someone who is like me--if a bubbly blonde approaches you in the grocery store and mentions something about your insulin pump, just be patient. That person is probably me, and I mean you no harm.

If I Can Do This, You Can Do This!

2011-06-15T17:45:00.000-04:00

Today is the first official day of the You Can Do This Project. I am so excited and grateful that Kim decided to launch this effort for the Diabetes Online Community. We all get burned out at some point, or beat ourselves up, or make ourselves feel guilty about some factor of diabetes that we ultimately can’t control. When I joined the DOC in 2006 by starting this blog, I felt so blessed to find like-minded people who didn’t have perfect HbA1Cs, perfect bodies, or storybook lives. We’re often riding the glu-coaster together, day by day.

The idea of You Can Do This is to share your story, your (no pun intended) highs and lows, to support each other, to show the people who are struggling that they can make it.

And I am here to say…I’m a struggler. Just because I blog about diabetes does not make me a model patient. I cannot tell you the last time I had an A1C under 7.5, and my current A1C is over 9. If you’re looking for perfection, you had best look someplace else. Actually, if you’re looking for perfection in diabetes, I suggest you open a Word doc on your laptop and start writing a really tidy piece of fiction. If you’d plug my meter into your computer, you’d see a few days of below-average testing (3x a day) flanked by a day or two of no testing whatsoever. I have not been to an eye doctor in four years. I should probably see a dermatologist, and I haven’t done that in a couple of years. Heck, I’m lucky if I can remember to get to the dentist on time.

Every day, in some small way, I struggle with diabetes. I can always see a brighter side, but this doesn’t mean I don’t stop at least once a month to curl up in a ball and cry.

You’re not alone, my friends. Not in the least. That’s right, this sunny, sweet blogger lives with depression. Just today I went to my psychiatrist’s office for a quick visit to assess how well my Wellbutrin is working. I went back on it several months ago, and I feel more even-keeled. I have fewer mood swings. I definitely spend less time weeping and feeling helpless.

You can do this. I repeat the mantra because I’m really thinking, “I can do this.” I’m so much better off now that I’ve been on medication. Brain chemicals are coming back into balance. Habits…well…they say habits take time to make and even more time to break. I hope the rest of your awesome videos will push me in the right direction. I plan on making one myself if I can just find a camera, but in the meantime, I couldn’t sit here silently while this effort gets off to a rolling start.

Hi, my name is Hannah McD. I have type 1 diabetes and depression. I am not perfect, but I smile every single day. I hope that I can do this. I know that something better is coming my way.

Tales of the Type 3

2011-05-31T17:37:00.001-04:00

I'm sure Matt could relate all kinds of stories to you. We have been dating since high school, so he has never known me as a person without diabetes. I've said it before, but I will say it again: Matt is a terrific partner. He brings me juice or glucose tabs when I'm low, water when I'm high and thirsty. I can count on him to help me when I request it, but he does not nag me when I'm not requesting it. He knows the most important things to have on any trip we take are my pump supplies. Anything else could be purchased in another place. (I'm talking domestic travel here...neither of us has gotten a passport yet, though I would like to go to Europe someday maybe.)

But what I've never really asked him is how he feels to be my Type 3. He's the one who finds test strips in the shower drain. He keeps the garlic and sticks of butter crammed into the butter compartment along with my insulin. He's the one who puts up with all of my silly commentary about his blood sugar when he drinks a gallon of water then has to pee a lot all day, or my remarks about how I should just test his sugar for fun when his finger is bleeding after a particularly hard night of guitar playing.

Honestly, he always answers that last one with, "If you want to."

One time, during some time we spent apart for work purposes, Matt told me he had found a test strip in his shoe. He was entirely uncertain as to how it got there, but he said it made him miss me. I guess that's kind of a bizarre but sweet thing about accidentally dropping medical wastes everywhere you go.

Basically, this is how you know you are important to me: by finding test strips on your floors, by finding bits of insulin pump supply garbage in your trash can, by asking me if I could maybe leave some emergency supplies at your place just in case I'd need them when I come over. This is how I know you truly care about me. That night you brought me a juice on the front porch at the bar because I could feel myself dropping fast, and you could tell something was wrong? That was perfect. You remembered to have some kind of diet drink or unsweetened tea at your party? You didn't ask if I should be eating/drinking that if I was pouring the Coke Classic while holding a cupcake? That was fantastic. To every Type 3 in my life, whether you know that you are or not, I am thankful for the love I get from you despite, and even because of, having diabetes.

This post is my May entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival. If you’d like to participate too, you can get all of the information at http://diabetessocmed.com/2011/may-dsma-blog-carnival/

Eye of the Beholder

2011-05-25T17:11:00.000-04:00

The average person sees:

A cute checkboard clutch bag.

I see:

A cute new home for my glucose meter. And yeah, that's a real number. Don't judge me.

The average person sees:

A tasty pack of fruity sugar-free chewing gum.

I see:

A home for used test strips and lancets so I don't dirty up my cute new black and white checkerboard meter case with a bunch of old blood and stuff.

I'm creative, and I have Type 1 diabetes. Do you think it shows much? :)

Diabetes Blog Week '11, Day Two: Letter-Writing Day

2011-05-10T16:30:00.000-04:00

Last month was National Poetry Month, and my friend Jane wrote a poem called "41 Love Letters" after a poem by Jeanann Verlee, called "40 Love Letters". I enjoyed both poems, sort of a collection of tiny letters to so many people. I enjoyed them so much in fact, I now present for D-Blog Week, after Jane, after Jeanann,

22 Diabetes Letters

Dear Younger Me,
When you grow up to be 29, you'll still never know if she noticed that you were sneaking cookies from the drawer. Also, you will still occasionally eat a spoonful of dry sugar-free Nestle Quik before making a glass of chocolate milk.

Dear Insulin Pump,
I hope you do not mind that occasionally I carry you down the hallway with my teeth, my arms full of clean laundry when I don't know what to wear.

Dear Favorite CDE,
I don't see you enough. I need to change this. For someone who knows a lot about living with diabetes, I can be a real slacker about doing anything about it.

Dear New Endocrinologist,
I have finally started testing more often. Soon I will do those basal tests and get my labs done. Everyone is counting on them. I'm a little scared of them, but I need to count on myself too.

Dear Lady from the Insulin Pump Support Group,
You were embarrassed to admit that you took about half of my total daily dose, because you thought it was "a lot". I did not speak up that I take even more than you, because I was too mad. You have to take the dose that's best for you. Don't make yourself (AND ME!!) feel shitty about trying to stay healthy.

Dear Insulin Pump,
Sorry about that time I dropped you and you rebooted like I'd just put in a new battery. That was a bit scary for both of us, I'm sure.

Dear Smell of Band-Aids,
You have cursed me. Am I near a first aid kit, or is my infusion site leaking?

Dear Younger Me,
The stuff you thought was total bullshit on that diabetes forum about dating? How no one is ever going to love you completely because you are diseased and stuff? Yeah, you're still right. TOTAL BULLSHIT.

Dear Syringe in the Bottom of My Purse,
I keep waiting for you to fall out at an inopportune time.

Dear Counterperson at Wendys who Will Inevitably See This Syringe,
I have diabetes. I am not shooting up illegal drugs. I really did just pee in your bathroom, that's it.

Dear Kim from Elementary School,
I can't remember your last name. You got type 1 about a year after me. I hope you're doing what you love and thriving.

Dear NPH,
I will never miss you as an insulin. I hope you're not too sad about this.

Dear Late High School Me,
Your ankles are still going to swell when you're 29. Only now you won't be sure what to blame it on, because it's obviously not the strain from daily marching band practices. Sorry. On a happier note, contrary to what Mom scares you about, it's NOT because of your kidneys. Also, don't leave your test kit on top of your clarinet case when you go out to practice. Some punkass is gonna see it, assume it's a wallet and steal it. Don't worry, though, a janitor will find it on top of a trash can the next day.

Dear Diet Drinks,
If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Especially you, Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Gold Peak Tea, and Fresca.

Dear Neighbor,
I was probably 9 or 10, and you said something about you also had "the sugar". My tiny brain was filled with rage. To this day, I still wish you would have said "diabetes". Or even "diabeetus".

Dear Mom,
You still say "diabeetus" sometimes, and I forgive you. I love you, and you can have special privileges. This does not mean, however, that I will not make a funny face, or correct you when you say "nook-you-lur" instead of "noo-klee-ur".

Dear Doctor From My Diagnosis in 1990,
Remember when I was hyperventilating and couldn't move my hands or most of my muscles? Remember how you treated my mom like an idiot? Remember when my mom took you by the coat collar and ripped you a new one in front of everyone in the pediatric ward? I sure hope you do. Asshole. I hope you remember it every day of your medical career.

Dear Insulin Pump,
Maybe we'd get along better sometimes if I'd just pretend "beep beep beep!" means you're telling me you love me.

Dear Cleo 90 Infusion Sets,
I wish we didn't have such a rocky past. Why won't you just stick around? (Get it? Stick? Because sometimes you don't despite all the prep wipes and stuff?)

Dear Carbs,
You are so damn yummy. Especially you, cake.

Dear Younger Me,
Just keep going. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep pursuing happiness. All those diary entries about how much diabetes sucks? Yeah, you're still going to be writing them in 2011. In a public forum, no less. Believe it or not, it's going to be really therapeutic for you, and you're going to make so many awesome new friends who know what it's like to have diabetes, you're not even going to believe. Keep on kicking ass, kiddo.

Dear Future Me,
What's it like out there? Is there a closed-loop system yet? Do I have to keep poking my fingers? Do I have complications? Did I ever decide to have kids? Does my husband ever stop attempting to grow a beard? Do we have a cat? Did I ever come up with a good premise for a novel? If I still have an insulin pump, does it look like a second generation iPhone? (You know insulin pumps have to be about 10 years behind the fashion curve at all times...) Have we been cured and now all you do is eat spoonfuls of pink frosting while you continue to drink diet soda?

D-Blog Week Day 1: Admiring Our Differences

2011-05-09T19:59:00.000-04:00

Happy D-Blog Week, everyone! What better way to stage a mini-comeback than with an entire week of targeted blog topics? Special thanks to Karen at Bittersweet Diabetes for putting this together again in 2011!

Today, we d-bloggers are asked to talk about someone with diabetes who is different from us, someone we've learned something from. Some of us are talking about other bloggers, or the parents of kids with diabetes, but I am going to talk about someone I know in real life. I'm going to tell you a bit about my colleague with type 2 at work. I'm just going to call him Bob for anonymity's sake.

While I don't always think Bob is doing absolutely everything in his power to take care of his diabetes, I have to step back once in a while. I'm not doing all I could possibly do for myself right now either, so I should not hold something like this against him. Bob is a really cool, loudmouthed and funny guy. He has downloaded an entire series of songs to his computer that he will play at random times, sort of a mood ring for the day. There's the "Jeopardy!" Theme Song for waiting around, "One Love" for the really bad days, and most recently, "See You in September" for students who are not making the cut for earlier classes in the summer.

Bob was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in his twenties, but it seems he hasn't let diabetes stop him from doing anything. He's been a broadcaster for ESPN. He's worked in sales for a number of companies. He was even the voice of Barney the Dinosaur in a touring production. He's been married twice, and he's still with his second wife and they have a daughter together. He's an umpire with the local Little League.

I don't know all the details but I know Type 2 has thrown Bob a few curves in his life. He's got nerve damage in his legs, not a lot of feeling left there. He comes in with a cane sometimes. At his worst, he's told me, he was in a wheelchair.

I admire Bob because despite any complications he's had from diabetes, despite how crazy work is right now, and despite the overall busy schedule of his life, he's back in the game. He started seeing a new endocrinologist, the same one I just started seeing. She's put him on an entirely new insulin regimen and taken him off of pills. He's feeling great, and now he's on a mission to lose weight. In the past couple weeks, he's dropped 17 pounds by cutting out some carbs (mostly bread and french fries/chips) and adding more veggies to his daily intake. Of course, he's a guy so the pounds melt right off of him--I usually have to work pretty hard to drop some weight. I'm proud of Bob. He's still fighting the good fight.

This is something I find very realistically inspiring at this time in my life. Maybe my health isn't going to be perfect. Maybe diabetes is going to give me complications, maybe not. I just have to keep living the best life I can, keep doing what I love. It's never too late to take better care of yourself or try something new in terms of managing diabetes. Most of all, though, you have to find your happiness because that's what makes life the most worth living.

Springtime Sick Days

2011-05-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

Isn't this the worst? It's beautiful and sunny outside. The wind is blowing gently. The birdies are chirping. People are smiling at one another as they pass on the sidewalk.

I'm stuck at work. I'm indoors, and I'm sick. This particular virus started off with a nasty sore throat. Now I just feel like a truck ran me over. (If anyone has the license plate number of said truck, I'd really appreciate if you share that information with me.)

My absolute least favorite part of this bout with whatever this illness is? It's making me feel like I am on the verge of a low blood sugar most of the time. I'm a wee bit shaky, a little headachey, and definitely exhausted. My BG in the middle of the night? 410. My BG about 2 hours later when I woke up to go to the bathroom? 141. My BG when I finally got out of bed to go to work? 74. Finally one that matched up, but it's 328 now and I feel almost exactly the same way as I have all morning.

This is one particular bug that should just bug off. How are you feeling today, DOC?

It's National Poetry Month!

2011-04-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

I know some people are entered into WegoHealth's 30/30 blog challenge this month, which is awesome, but it's National Poetry Month, so I am working away this month to write 30 poems in 30 days. Since this particular selection is related to diabetes for once, I thought I should share.

Bloodtyping Lab, Sophomore Year

No one went white in the face entirely.

The professor gleefully handed out disposable lancets,

One-shot deals with covered needles

So no one could see the pointed stainless aimed

At the delicate side of an index finger, a thumb, a pinkie.

Some of us blinked in disbelief

That our cushy private college would be asking us

To mutilate our own fingertips in the name of science,

But hey, our professor did announce that this lab

Was completely optional.

I needed the extra credit.

"All you have to do is prick your finger then

Squeeze out some blood

And squeeze it up in the pipette!"

My classmates seemed befuddled when our professor told us

It was okay to proceed, don't be shy now.

Hundreds of thousands of times I've pricked my own finger,

Juiced blood from the depths of the tiny vessels below.

It was just any other day for me,

Only equipped with someone else's lancing device.

I pressed the hole to the side of my finger,

Squeezed the button and began the self-bloodletting.

The pipette was a plastic mosquito.

I dripped the blood into the assigned test container.

Everyone at my table noticed I was done already.

"How...?" asked one girl, not sure how to finish.

"Diabetes," I responded. "12 years. I do this shit every day."

"Could you...help me?"

I cracked jokes that the school would otherwise suspend a girl

Who stabs three of her classmates.

In the end, I was fittingly typed

B Positive.

***
If you would like to do a 30/30 poetry challenge, I recommend it. Just remember--it's about 30 poems, not 30 perfect, publication-ready poems!

Free Verse Friday

2011-03-25T16:35:00.000-04:00

It's the return of Free Verse Friday, with a side of diabetes! Ginger posted this slam poem for her 12th diabetes diagnosis anniversary. I couldn't avoid reposting--it's not often I find a performed poem that's about diabetes. Ginger kicks ass, and this funny and empowering poem does too.

Yikes, sorry about the photographic hugeness there! Speaking of free verse, Matt and I are the featured poets at our favorite slam in Philly tonight. I am so excited, but I have no idea what to wear. Time to raid my closet. Have an awesome weekend!

Diabetes Alert Day 2011

2011-03-22T19:37:00.000-04:00

It's well-known that I do not have Type 2 diabetes, but there is a risk of it in my family history. I will probably not also be the first person to tell you that you don't have to be obese or inactive to develop the disease.

I often think of my dad, whom I felt was always on the fence between pre-diabetes and Type 2. My dad wasn't always a string bean of a guy, but I wouldn't have called him obese. Maybe he had a little bit of a gut, but he had skinny arms and even skinnier legs. For him, I think it was just bad genetics, maybe partnered with smoking. Of course, my dad passed away from a far more awful pancreatic condition--pancreatic cancer. Yet this is not my point.

My point is you can't really tell who has diabetes just by looking at them. You can't make a judgment over whether you'll get diabetes by looking in a mirror. If you think you may be at risk for Type 2, click on the banner below and do the risk test. Heck, try it even if you don't think you're at risk. Diabetes is awful enough as it is, so if you are fortunate enough to have the kind you can prevent or delay, work on preventing it or delaying it as soon as possible!

It may be nice if next year the ADA would consider making Type 1 a part of Diabetes Alert Day and start a campaign for parents, children, teenagers and adults to alert them of the signs and symptoms of Type 1. But as I said before--if you have the misfortune to be predisposed to a preventable condition, by all means--be proactive and work hard to prevent it!

Almost Famous Monday

2011-03-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

If anyone ever asks you if you know a published poet, and you are a regular reader of this here blog, you can now freely say, "Yes!" I have been published in the awesome online literary magazine The Legendary's Slam Issue! If you want to check it out, all you have to do is visit the Poetry Page here and click on my name. There you will find my poem "Valentine to Myself, 2011". I only wish I had some audio to go along with it.

Found at flickr.com - not sure who to credit, sorry! :(

A duet slam piece that I wrote with my dear hubby Matt has also been published, however the link from the Poetry Page seems to be broken. You can click here if you want to go directly to the poem.

I will warn you now that both poems contain some language and a bit of sex and/or sexual innuendo in their subject matter. However, the poetry pages themselves are totally safe for work.

The only thing I regret is not having audio clips (at least not at the moment) to go along with this stuff.

I am so very excited and honored to be featured in this awesome lit mag alongside so many other talented people. I'm also delighted to say that I am also friends with a few of the other poets who have been published.

The other great news is that soon I will also be published in the upcoming online issue of The Apiary, which is from right here in the Philadelphia area. I am so giddy over both publications! It feels so amazingly good to accomplish something like this! (Even if I didn't get paid, hey, I'm published. Woo hoooo!)

New Leaves

2011-03-08T18:08:00.000-05:00

Spring has sprung! Well, maybe not quite yet, but it seems to be on the verge of springing up every other day or so around here. Temperatures in the Philly suburbs are hanging around 40 or 50-some degrees. I've seen the sun for the past few days. Stores have stopped selling really awesome boots, or they are on clearance and all picked over. (Has anyone wondered why there seems to be no transition from boot to sandal season anymore?)

Today, I picked up the phone and took a big step. I called a new endocrinologist. Now, I have no hard feelings against Dr. B, my old endocrinologist. She is a very nice, knowledgeable woman who always listened to what I had to say, even though I was not the most vigilant about paying her visits. Dr. B is excellent, and if you live anywhere near Plymouth Meeting, PA, hit me up if you'd like her number.

It's just that Plymouth Meeting is a bit of a jog from my house these days, and I am not that impressed with the rest of Dr. B's practice. They never made reminder calls for my appointments, which would have been nice considering they were all scheduled about 4 months out. They always seemed to be running behind schedule. Then today, I recalled another problem I've had frequently--I can call their office and get a busy signal! All the other doctors I see will give you a voicemail, or have you remain on the line until someone can take the call. If Dr. B could move into a different, more friendly practice near where I live, I would gladly go back, but the group she practices with as a whole just is not meeting my needs.

Enter Dr. M. I have not yet met Dr. M, but my awesome family doc, Kate, recommended her to me. Of course, I hemmed and hawed over whether I should call and make an appointment. This would also mean owning up to the less-than-stellar lab results that will surely come in. Sure, I know the whole point is to improve, but don't you feel guilty of bad A1C's regardless? I certainly do. I waited to call, and waited and waited.

Two weeks ago, my colleague at work, who has Type 2 stopped by my desk for a chat. We have diabetes chats sometimes--pancreatically challenged buddies have to stick together, right? He told me about this new endo his doctor sent him to, and how awesome she was. "She's right down the road," he said, "and she's almost fresh out of medical school. She and I sat together for an hour and talked about my history, my goals, everything. She's really great!" Of course, I ask her name, and he answers that it is Dr. M, the same woman I've been considering for almost two months now.

That sold me. Today, I finally managed to call the office and make an appointment. April 5th will be my triumphant return to the endocrinologist. I am so overdue. Do you ever put off doctor's visits? I certainly can't be alone in this.

Because it's Saturday...

2011-03-05T13:21:00.000-05:00

I have nothing to do at this very moment, and I'm not sure what to blog about, but the pages here are looking lonely. Let's have fun with an alphabet meme!

Age: 29

Bed size: Full. It's really comfy, and Matt and I got a hell of a bargain on it when we moved in together in Delaware. One day I want a bigger one, though, for sure.

Chore you dislike: Doing dishes. I'd much rather clean the bathroom.

Dogs: They're okay. I'm not a huge fan, but I like little dogs. I'm mostly a cat person.

Essential start to your day: Two snoozes on the alarm, some stretching, a glass of water and maybe a good morning text message or two.

Favorite color: Purple!
Gold or silver: Silver. Gold is okay, I have always preferred silver for some reason.

Height: 5’6", approximately.

Instruments you play(ed): Clarinet and a few chords on the guitar

Job title: Operations Support Coordinator

Kids: Feeling a strong "maybe someday" on this one. In the meantime, I sometimes enjoy the company of my friends' three-year-olds.

Live: Outside of Philadelphia in the western suburbs

Mom’s name: Judy

Nicknames:Some that are too cute to repeat here. Occasionally Hannah Banana. My coworker calls me Hanns, my former co-worker called me Hannah Bo-banna. My mom usually calls me Hannie Ellen.

Overnight hospital stays: Oh, there are three now? Once when I was like 4 I believe I was in overnight for dehydration. Then there was DKA and my diagnosis with diabetes in 1990. And then, of course, there was the Great Appendectomy of 2009.

Pet peeve: "Unnecessary" quotation marks around "words" when they are clearly "not" needed; saying "I've never been!" as in "I've never been there."

Quote from a movie:"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -- Ferris, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

Righty or Lefty: Righty

Siblings: Only child!

Time you wake up: Usually at least ten minutes after when I should have gotten up.

Underwear: Purple.

Vegetables you don’t like: Peas

What makes you run late: The universe. Procrastinatory genetics. Usually just a bad sense of time, or extreme sleepiness.

X-Rays you’ve had: One for a broken pinky toe, another for my chest when I had pneumonia back in high school?

Yummy food you make: Baked ziti

Zoo animal favorite: The snow leopards at the Philly Zoo

Everybody have a happy weekend!

28: A Brief Reflection

2011-02-12T13:19:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, I'm 29.

Maybe I didn't quite accomplish everything I had hoped to this year, but a lot of things have changed and turned around more than once. I think I'm in a better place now than I was a few short months ago, maybe even a few weeks ago.

I hope my 29th year is amazing. I hope I learn a few new things; I hope I accomplish some goals. I hope the love in my life continues to grow. I hope you guys will all stick around while I keep writing about it.

Happy almost-birthday to me.

How am I celebrating? With friends and food...and the mutha-truckin' roller derby, baby. Go Butchers!

A Clean Start

2011-02-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

I was anxious as I walked in my front door last night. Matt informed me as we were road tripping on Sunday that I had a pretty big birthday surprise coming on Monday. "It's something you've wanted for a really, really long time," he grinned.

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?" I asked.

"Yes," was his response.

"Is it a breadbox? Because I don't really want a breadbox; I don't know where we'd put it."

"Not a breadbox," he reassured me.

But what could it be? The mystery ate away at me, bit by bit. Was it the Mac computer I've always wanted? I got a guitar last year, so that's not it. Is it a kitty? That wouldn't work out, our landlord wouldn't let us. A bunny? That would have to be a big bunny to be bigger than a breadbox. Another musical instrument? A TARDIS?

I took off my coat and scanned the living room for anything in a box or anything unfamiliar. Matt and our friend Shelaine were hanging out on the couch. "Why don't you go upstairs and change your clothes, then we'll head out to the restaurant," Matt suggested.

"I don't really care about changing. I'm hungry!" I declared. For the record, I'm almost always hungry, especially after getting home from work.

Matt looked a bit flustered. "Do you want to change your shoes?" This is a reasonable question, as who wants to wear their work shoes after they get home for the night? I put on the pair of shoes that were right by the front door. He sighed yet again. "For the record, your birthday surprise is upstairs in the bedroom."

"Ooh, neato!" I trotted up the stairs and opened the door, expecting a box or something laid out on the bed. Instead, my jaw dropped.

Our room was clean. Not everything pushed to the sides or hidden in the closets clean, but actually clean. The bedside stands we got from Ikea about two months ago had been assembled and put by the bed. I could see the floors in the closets. My dresser had been moved to the place we'd intended it to go. I didn't have to look down to make sure I wasn't going to step on some wayward trinket or mislaid underwire bra. It was quite possibly the best birthday present I could think of at the moment, and my birthday isn't even until Sunday. Matt dashed upstairs to hug me.

Is that where all the prep wipes went?!

Our room was out of control, and given the amount of stress I'm under between work, school, and trying to find a new career path, I never have time to clean it myself. My sneaky husband actually pretended to leave for work in the morning and waited until I had actually left the house to come back home. He got dressed and drove off and everything!

The part that everyone in the D-OC will most appreciate? Every bit of loose diabetes stuff has been contained, and holy guacamole, I have a lot of Cleo tubing. Unless you just need tubing for Cleo infusion sets, I will most likely be donating a lot of it to Lee Ann for art projects.

I have my trepidations about turning 29, but this, I believe, has guaranteed a good start for me.

Of course, there are still piles of clothes to sort through for the Goodwill, but at least I have space to work now!

Winter Whoas! (And woes.)

2011-01-27T15:57:00.000-05:00

Every forecast was calling for 5 to 8 inches of snow here in the western suburbs of Philadelphia, at least they were when I set out for work yesterday morning. Matt had taken off about fifteen or twenty minutes before me, and I had asked him to sweep the snow off my car while I was still getting ready for work. I had parked the Mazda in the lot down the street, and when I finished my minute-and-a-half long walk, there was almost another inch of accumulation on the roof and windows. I turned the car on and began cleaning off the roof and windows.

I was a snow-covered mess when I finally was able to plop down on the drivers' seat. It was snowing like crazy outside. The forecast had said we were going to get maybe 5 to 8 inches throughout the entire day. At that moment, it should have been raining, and it wasn't. It was that foggy sort of snow that makes it very difficult to see where you're going.

I made my way carefully onto my usual route to work. I figured schools would be closed so traffic might not be so bad. I was, of course, completely mistaken. Not only was the road poorly plowed, but as I approached Second Avenue, I noticed the line of brake lights leading up to Route 23. My usual route is to make a left onto Route 23 and take that most of the way to work. I waited in the traffic line, and we sloooowly inched along. Squinting down to Route 23, I could see a tractor trailer just sitting at the intersection, blocking most of the lanes. I watched the light change in the distance to a hazy green about three times with no one moving forward at all. Two other cars ahead of me did their best 3-point turns in the snow and headed the other direction. I waited until I could make a left and turn around at First Avenue, and I did the same.

Okay, I thought to myself, I'll go down through town to Route 422. Route 422 is always busy, regardless of the weather. Surely the roads leading up to it were clear. I called my office to see if anyone had made it in. Maybe I had missed the announcement that the school was closing for the day? I got a text from my husband. "So I've been in the car for 45 minutes and I'm just now at 422." Oh shit. Route 422 is a two-to-five minute drive on any other day of the week. Traffic must be bad everywhere.

I turned left onto Bridge Street, and again, the traffic was just crawling if it was moving at all. This pace did not bode well, as about a mile up the road are some pretty steep hills. It was 8:30am. I should've been at the office by now. I called the office again, but no one answered. Matt called me to say he is running out of gas and nowhere near close enough to the next station. He's reaching the 422 overpass off of Egypt Road, which is where I was attempting to go myself.

I had to keep stopping heading uphill toward Egypt Road. There was no place to turn around, not for another quarter mile or so. If I could just stick it out, I could turn at the deli and go back home. I had left the house 45 minutes ago, never getting more than a mile and a half in any direction. I have never seen so many cars in a line of traffic do a bunch of three-point turns and go the opposite way. Matt called again. He had managed to get onto Route 422 going the opposite direction of traffic. He told me he would get off at the next exit and get gas there, then decide whether to continue on to work.

Another ten minutes or so went by, and I was finally able to turn around on the street next to the mom-and-pop deli. I could see Egypt Road up the hill, about 500 feet away. There was a firetruck and a police car blocking a full lane of Route 29, which ran up the hill. Most cars were turning right onto Egypt Road instead of going straight. I had to wait for traffic to inch forward enough that a kind commuter might let me pass to turn around. I called my office again, and there was no answer. I called my co-worker, and he was already on the road. He lives near the turnpike--his roads were not so bad.

I finally started to make my way back home. Up the road from me, a Cadillac had just started to block traffic again, as he attempted to three-point-turn his way out like many people, he got stuck. The Mazda fishtailed a few times on my mile-long drive back home. My small suburban town was like a giant parking lot of commuters. I managed to snag a parking space in front of the house. I got inside and called my boss to inform her there was no possible way that I could make it.

Our office ended up closing at noon. We were closed again today. Driving in hazardous weather can be such a fiasco.

Later on, I realized how lucky I was to have a satisfactory blood glucose level during all of that. I was basically trapped in my car for almost two hours! Can you imagine if you were having a low during that time? Or if your insulin pump stopped working? What if you would have been trapped in the car longer than that? Situations like these are the reason why I try to always have emergency supplies with me nowadays. I am never far from a travel pack of glucose tabs or a syringe and some Novolog. Winter weather is in full swing. I hope everyone is prepared!

A Departure

2011-01-24T14:44:00.000-05:00

My grandfather passed away in his sleep very early on Sunday morning. He was recovering from surgery at a nice hospital right down the road from my hometown. I last spoke with him on the phone Thursday night, and he seemed to be happy and in good spirits.

He was 88 years old, and I'm sure he was feisty all the way to the very end. No word yet from my mother on when we will hold his memorial service.

He instilled in me a love of coffee, good-natured teasing, Italian home cooking and [most recently] gin & tonics. He is loved, and he is already greatly missed.

What's My Age Again?

2011-01-20T19:56:00.001-05:00

I believe in dressing in an age-appropriate fashion when it's appropriate. I take my legwarmers off when I get to work on cold mornings. I don't always like wearing tights, but I need to not freeze in the car. Maybe on the weekends, I don't take them off. So what?

So I still own a number of fun t-shirts, including the one to the left? So what? I know not to wear them to work. I know not to wear sweats to a formal dinner. I know not to flash too much cleavage when meeting a company bigwig or somebody's family. I know the appropriate times to wear glitter eyeliner and pin-up girl red lipstick. I'm a bonafide grownup with a quirky sense of style, but I'm not stupid. I'm also not What Not to Wear material.

Look, I'm almost 29. There's less than a month to go. I am not really excited about all the remarks I will hear for the next year about being "almost 30". It's really odd to me, because I don't feel like I'm almost 30. Some of my friends are settling down and having kids/adopting dogs. That's fine, but that's just not me right now. My friend Alana and I were talking the other week about one of her best pals from college. He doesn't return her calls and never wants to get together now that he has a kid.

He says things are so different now, he just doesn't know. Alana has been with the same guy for a couple of years, and they have a house and a cat. She's the successful assistant manager of a Hot Topic store, and she's very active in her local roller derby. At the very core, these are all stable, adult things to do--falling in love, buildng a family, working a fulfilling job, belonging to a club you feel passionate about. She said she'd love to meet her friend's little munchkin, but he seems to be afraid of someone who isn't a "real" grown-up yet. I dunno. She sounds pretty real to me.

The more I think about it, the more the timeline of aging seems arbitrary. Sure, I'm not going to dress the same at 40 as I did at 21. I might not even dress the same way I do now. Yet, I don't see that I'm ever going to stop feeling energized by a really good concert. I don't picture myself ever getting really into smooth jazz or adult contemporary soft pop. I don't think I'm ever going to say, "I'm too old to read comic books." I don't see these choices as an inevitability, the way some people seem to expect us all to. Just because I still want to get a tattoo, because I go to basement shows, because I still like purchasing clothing in bright colors--none of that makes me an irresponsible, immature adult!

I don't see why I have to stop doing the things I like just because someone thinks I'm "too old". In fact, here's a list of things that I really like that some folks would say I'm nearly past my prime for:

Going to rock concerts
Watching cartoons
Wearing the occasional novelty t-shirt
Striped knee-high socks
Leggings (I do not wear them with Uggs--they are inappropriate at every age. Why do people wear them out of their houses?! So schlumpy!)
Daydreaming
Having a strong imagination

Sometimes I find it very hard to accept that I don't feel like a normal grown-up.

Well guess what, haters? I feel pretty damn good about myself. I know how to conduct myself in most situations. This may make me a bit of a social chameleon, but what's wrong with that?

If someone ever says to me, "You don't seem like you're almost 30!" in a negative way, I may do something very immature: roll my eyes. Because really, what difference does it make right now? I am who I am, and I'm mostly happy with who that person is, so I'm not going to apologize for not acting however you believe a 29-year-old should act.

I'm good, thanks. Even fun-loving. I'm Hannah. I'm here, and I'm ready for whatever comes next.

And it just so happens that the next "next" is going to be a poetry slam tomorrow night, followed by Two Door Cinema Club and Tokyo Police Club at the Trocadero in Philadelphia on Saturday. Drinks, earplugs and ironic t-shirt are all set to go.

And on Monday? It's back to business casual and the perkiest receptionist voice you've ever heard.

A Political Appeal

2011-01-18T16:48:00.001-05:00

This is the post where I push my socialist, liberal agenda on everyone!

Okay, maybe not quite, but tomorrow, the House of Representatives is going to take action to attempt to repeal the Healthcare Reform bill. Was the bill good or bad? I honestly don't feel qualified to tell you. I really wish I knew more about what was in the bill when it passed. From what I've heard, most folks in the government didn't even know what was in the bill!

I am completely for healthcare reform. Making "pre-existing condition" a term that is entirely passé? Yes please. Establishing protocols that will keep people who are now uninsured healthy? Definitely yes.

Some very good friends of mine whom I love dearly do not have health coverage. One friend, D, is not offered insurance by his employer at all. He lives alone, and I sometimes worry about what might happen if he finds himself in an emergency situation, such as when my appendix burst a couple of years ago. My total hospital bill, without insurance, would have been over $40,000, and that's about as much as he makes in approximately two years. M & B do not have health insurance for themselves because B's employer charges an arm and a leg for insurance, and they are a single income household with a preschooler. Their daughter gets coverage through the excellent Pennsylvania CHIP program.

CHIP (Children's Health Insurance Program) has a cut-and-dry motto: CHIP covers all kids. And they do, regardless of the income level of a family in PA. Your child simply has to be uninsured and unable to qualify for medical assistance. (Medicare or Medicaid, I assume.)

So why can't we come up with an agreeable health insurance policy for the whole country that covers all Americans? I cannot imagine watching my friends go bankrupt in the event of a medical emergency, and yet it happens to honest, hardworking folks in the USA every single day.

"But Hannah, you don't want that socialized medicine like they have in Canada! You have to wait!"

Guess what? My husband had to wait six weeks to see a neurologist to diagnose a problem he was having, and he still hasn't received a diagnosis--they had to send him for even more testing.. I had to wait at least 4 hours in an ER once with pelvic pain. And doesn't every medical resource out there tell you NEVER to ignore severe pelvic pain?

Please take a moment to let your representatives know that repealing the health care reform act is probably NOT the answer to all of our governmental woes. It means your diabetes and other pre-existing medical conditions will go back to being four-letter-words, too taboo to insure. Maybe the Healthcare Reform Act isn't perfect, but instead of scrapping the entire thing, how about our government leaders actually READ what they've written, then maybe consider the editing process?

Editing works well for writers and bloggers. I think it can work for laws, too. Just ask the Supreme Court.

New But Not Quite Yet Improved

2011-01-13T18:36:00.000-05:00

Hello, blog overhaul!

Honestly, I'm not thrilled with this yet. I think the new Dorkabetic layout is a work in progress. I would like to have some fancy tabs going on so I can have a separate about me, blogroll, etc.

I am not so handy yet with web coding, so I'm not sure what to do.

Tips? Suggestions? I shall be tweaking this for a few more days, I'm sure.

Until then, congratulations to my dear friend Shelaine who is a beauty school graduate as of today! (Sorry, I can't sing "Beauty School Dropout" to her anymore.) Matt and I will be going out to dinner with her tonight to celebrate, along with a bunch of other friends. It should be interesting--I've never been to a fancy vegan restaurant before!

But seriously, bringing this back around, if anybody has some easy tips for how to add tabs to a Blogger layout, please do share! Otherwise, maybe that move to WordPress is sounding more and more enticing.

Purple Pump Pride!

2011-01-11T17:21:00.000-05:00

Smiths Medical stopped making my pump, the Cozmo, almost two years ago now. Scott J lost his job; I lost the manufacturer of my favorite pump by far. In a year or two, I will most likely be getting rid of my dear, beloved Cozmo for something less satisfactory. In the meantime, I'm still covered under warranty.

And may I just say that dear Lord, I have needed that warranty several times now! No offense to you, Smiths Medical, but I think maybe your diabetes business could have fared better if you had chosen better manufacturers for your plastics. I have suffered at least two, possibly three cracked cartridge caps during my pump's lifespan. I have had to exchange my pump for a refurbished one at least one other time that I can remember.

This week, I had to exchange my pump yet again for the same reason that I exchanged the previous pump. The part of the plastic that is under the cartridge cap, basically the threading for the part that secures the insulin reservoir, was cracked. Having an engineer for a husband, I recognized that this was stress cracking. (Wikipedia offers a relatively scientific explanation of stress cracking here.) Stress cracking, for lack of a better description, is basically any crack you see in plastic that isn't caused by a direct blow. Ever see a crack in a clear-ish piece of plastic or glass that isn't caused by dropping it? It's the kind of crack that looks like it started on the inside.

Well, I will tell you, it certainly does not belong in my insulin pump, a life-saving medical device! If this particular crack went any further, a part of my pump would certainly just fall off.

I called Smiths' customer service line yesterday and talked to a fellow who sounded like he was moments away from taking a nap. Despite his lack of vocal variety, he was relatively helpful. He made sure that I would get a replacement pump sent out to me overnight. He also informed me they were out of blue pumps the same color as mine. I could choose from "green, a different blue, black that looked like a pager and, uhhh....purple."

Tonight, I go home and program my new purple pancreas. It doesn't do anything the old one doesn't; it is merely a crack-free version of my current pump. I can't say I'm terribly excited, but hey, it's purple.

And it beats the pants off of having to switch to the competition's pumps. I'm not ready for that yet. I am not ready for the limited choices due to reservoir size and having to take multiple boluses at mealtimes because bolus maximums are too small.

Deltec Cozmo is dead; long live Deltec Cozmo.

New Year; New Ridiculous Diabetes Commercial

2011-01-05T20:40:00.001-05:00

Matt and I were settled on the futon last night, watching an episode of Top Gear on demand. When the single-commercial breaks cut in, I knew immediately it was blogging go-time.

Impact font on a blue background..."ATTENTION! if you have Diabetes!" Cue the announcer, then actor Alan Thicke appears onscreen. You probably know Alan from his days on the 1980's sitcom Growing Pains. What you may not know is that Mr. Thicke is the parent of a child with Type 1 diabetes. In fact, he apparently has done some good work in the diabetes community. He's got a diabetes research center named after him in his home province of Ontario, Canada!

Oh, COME ON, Alan. Give me a break. I guess CCS Medical thinks you will touch the hearts, minds and wallets of the people who need diabetes supplies. But your credential here is "Famous Television Dad"? I just have to wonder what your kid thinks of this. Maybe he doesn't think anything at all, but please, I should think any self-respecting diabetic would find this commercial appalling on some level.

What can any person with diabetes expect from this company? This commercial not only uses my absolute least favorite tenet of diabetes-supply advertising--"GREAT NEWS! You don't have to prick your fingers anymore! Test on your arm; it's virtually pain-free!"-- which always enrages me because testing on your forearm is still less accurate than finger sticks, regardless of pain level. I'm sure throwing things like this into an ad convinces some people with diabetes that they don't have to poke themselves at all to check their blood sugars. So misleading.

Yet this ad sinks to what sounds to me like a new low. Make sure you watch the video from about the 28-second mark when you'll hear about how the test strips are (and I shit you not, dear readers) made with laser-etched gold, providing the best possible testing surface. I've used a NovaMax before, back when it was still a BD meter, and I don't think the gold in those strips was worth much. Do people pay extra because their test strips are made of gold? Everybody certainly gets charged as if they are. I just pulled apart a used One Touch strip, and there was no gold in it whatsoever. Does anyone actually know if test strips made from gold are better than those made without?

There is a [rather poorly written] article on AssociatedContent.com which states that people might want to try sending their gold test strips to "cash-for-gold" type places. The author goes on to say that if that becomes popular, diabetics might want to watch out for people trying to steal their test strips for the gold.

Misleading, high-fallutin' diabetes advertising frustrates me more than any other kind of poor advertising. I think the other thing that makes me uncomfortable is that someone who clearly does not have diabetes himself is hawking products for people who HAVE diabetes. Were they trying to get his son to do the ad with him and his son backed out? I'd be more comfortable if it were some anonymous actor even pretending to have diabetes.

Is anyone else as bothered as I am when it comes to ads like this?

Following the Holiday Whirl, Our Author Checks in with The Readers.

2010-12-27T21:34:00.000-05:00

Blogadelphia,

I definitely burned out on blogging after blogging every single day in November. Then December just started getting out of hand. There was Christmas shopping and work obligations and a profound sense of not knowing what to do with my life.

Surely, if I had it all figured out by now, I would let you know.

I had a great Christmas. Everyone seemed to be in excellent spirits despite any circumstances. For example, my mother's kitchen faucet broke and she couldn't wash dishes for two days except for in the bathroom sink. On the upside, the plumbing isn't too bad of a repair, I didn't think, plus she got a nice windfall this year so her gift to herself is going to be a dishwasher for the house. Good things, all.

As for me, I got a new backpack, a really big crock pot (nom nom homemade soup will be made), Plants vs. Zombies for the 360, Just Kids by Patti Smith (can't wait to read it), kitchen odds and ends, and a ton of other fun stuff, including a shiny new pair of snow boots, which I needed upon my return to suburban Philadelphia. At least we didn't get as much snow out here in Chester/Montgomery County as they did in Center City Philly or New Jersey.

Now I need to get through this 3-day work week and prepare for 2011. This may include preparing to start a graduate level class on January 4th. At least I hope it does...but more on that later. I had a long, fun weekend, but with so much running around it wasn't exactly relaxing. Time to kick back. It's WAY too early to go to bed.

Aww, You Guys...

2010-12-14T22:06:00.000-05:00

So I'm a bit late to the party to mention this, but guess what? I was nominated for a Diabetes OC 2010 Blog Award!

I am completely flattered to even be nominated. My category? "Most Likely To Put You In A Good Mood". Just a hint--if you ever call my office and I'm the first person to answer the phone, you will know that this is entirely true. Whether I'm trying or not, I always feel like I have an eye on the positive.

Now get out and vote for all of your faves from all over the great country of Diabetes Bloglandia. I know I will!

No Holiday Vacation Here

2010-12-07T18:20:00.000-05:00

As I woke up this morning, my eyes were bleary. My voice was hoarse. My stomach was empty. I have been fighting off some sort of virus all week, and I have been tired and lazy.

It's hard enough taking care of myself when I'm not sick with an infection or a virus. Sometimes, when I'm not feeling so well, when I should be checking my blood glucose the most, I slack off. I'd rather sleep or pop a bunch of decongestants or suck down a bag of sugar free Halls.

I took a bit of a diabetes vacation for Thanksgiving, and I still haven't come back. I know I need to leave. My passport to Diabetes Aruba has expired, and somebody needs to kick me out of this country. While there are palm trees and blue skies, there are sluggish limbs and dry mouth.

"My diabetes vacation ends today," I said aloud to the empty bedroom as I pricked my finger. 247 mg/dl.

I need to do better. I need to get back to a d-routine and get back in to see Sarah. I need to call up that new endo. Maybe this is the Christmas gift I should be giving myself.

Last Day, Two Ways

2010-11-30T22:02:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day of November, which wraps up two important events this month. One is NaBloPoMo, in which many of us worked hard to post something on our blogs every single day. The other is of course, National Diabetes Awareness Month, which was on everyone's minds here in the Diabetes OC.

We helped other people learn about diabetes by talking about it on D-Blog Day.

We educated the world and brought lifesaving insulin to children by banding together in time for World Diabetes Day.

We counted our diabetes blessings. We even took a few moments to acknowledge our siblings! (Well, those of us who aren't only children like me.)

Thank you out there to my readers, to the Diabetes OC who made it possible for me to get this blog going back in 2006, and to the good folks who put NaBloPoMo together!

I did it again. 30 posts, 30 days, a lot of days about diabetes, but every single day about my life. December brings the holidays and more fun. I'm proud of myself for sticking with it. Let's make a date and maybe do this again next year.

Cranky Post.

2010-11-29T22:11:00.000-05:00

Great weekend full of food and friends and family.

Now, the hubs is sick, and I think I'm catching something too. I'm just tired and cranky.

Almost there, NaBloPoMo. Almost there. Hopefully I won't be hacking up a lung or losing my lunch tomorrow for my last post of the month.

And have my blood sugars given me any clues? It's Thanksgiving weekend. Nothing gave me any clues. Especially not the pumpkin pie.

Ugh. I think it's time for bed...early.

Food Recovery Sunday

2010-11-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

We are home from Thanksgiving vacation. Only two out of three gigantic meals were spent consuming mass amounts of turkey. Not bad.

Did I count carbs obsessively this weekend?

Nope. Did I care that much? Nope.

Sometimes you just have to live your life. Without a ton of turkey. And a slice of pecan pie.

Self-Portrait Saturday # 2

2010-11-27T13:00:00.002-05:00

Oh man, can you believe the hipsters they are letting into the shows these days?

Self-portrait with husband, hipster edition. Nada Surf show just before Easter 2010 at the First Unitarian Church in Philadelphia, PA.

Two Bodies; One Brain.

2010-11-26T11:30:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I will be attending my 10-year High School Reunion. Honestly, I'm not good friends with a lot of people from high school anymore. I don't have a high-fallutin' job I want to go brag about. I'm not even sure if it's going to be a lot of fun. I am going because of this woman:

Me on the left, Cari on the right.

Ladies and gentleman, this is Ms. Cari J. We have been friends since we were, what, eleven? Twelve? We bonded while singing showtunes at our weekly Odyssey of the Mind team meetings, and shortly after, she moved into my neighborhood. If you look out from the back of the house where I spent most of my formative years, you can see her house. We used to talk about how we should've just bought walkie-talkies and saved on phone bills.

Cari called me up a couple months back and asked me the question I was about to ask her: "Are you going to the reunion?" We could've cared less about the event itself. Let's face it, at least some part of going to your high school reunion is about entitlement. We grew up as Honors students in a pretty small town. Many people we know either stayed in Williamsport and started raising families, or they got as far from town as they could, though they are maybe wrapped up in med school or a burgeoning law career. I guess we fancy ourselves to be almost-hip, urban suburbanites who have the pleasure of being mostly free in our late 20's.

We'll eat some mediocre, overpriced food and reminisce about the good old days. Then we'll just talk about life. Cari still sends me awesome birthday presents. She's funny, smart, and has recently joined an ice hockey league. Look out world; she's got pink hockey gloves.

But she did start her career as a Type 3 with a little diabetes law enforcement. She used to keep me from sniffing candy wrappers during the course of our friendship. I forgive her for that. Especially because this year for Halloween, she dressed up as the world's favorite new celebrity diabetes spokesperson!

Just like every pump has its dawn phenomenon...

So here's to friendships that last beyond high school. To those people you can live hundreds of miles away from, yet the instant you meet up again you're still finishing each other's sentences.

Man, I hope this reunion thing doesn't suck. Oh well, if it does, I'll be in good company. Then we'll take our boys and go drink somewhere that we can have a REALLY good time.

Oh, and if you want to know more about what Cari is like, I suggest you go read her blog, The Caustic Critic, in which she discusses movie guilty pleasures, TV obsessions, Sookie Stackhouse novels, and does Cannonball Reads of books.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T18:27:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone out there is having an enjoyable holiday. Just remember--today's excess carbs can be burned off by charging through the malls tomorrow on your excess shopping sprees. ;)

My weekend feasting is shaping up this way:

Today--Huge lunch, small dinner.
Tomorrow--Pie for breakfast, medium-sized lunch, probably large dinner at Ten Year High School Reunion (more on that later)
Saturday--I have no clue whatsoever, but a deep-fried turkey will be involved
Sunday--Leftovers? Convenience store food? What time are we getting home again?

I am thankful for my insulin pump so I can just keep bolusing away on crazy weekends like this one.

Meanwhile, I'm starting to get a bit peckish. It may very well be time for a sandwich; however, I am leaning toward bologna at this point, or peanut butter. Goodness knows there is more bird to come.

Type 2s Pumping It Up?

2010-11-24T17:06:00.000-05:00

My co-worker called me this morning not long after I came upstairs after working the reception desk. "Can I see you in my office for a minute? About something personal?"

"Sure thing." It's nothing new for the two of us to sit around and talk. We have a pretty friendly office. I plopped down in one of the chairs in front of his desk. "So in three minutes or less, tell me everything you can about your insulin pump."

My co-worker and I have talked diabetes before, but now his doctor is insisting that he get an insulin pump for tighter control. I believe there is also some suspicion that he does not actually have Type 2, but may be more of a Type 1.5 or a case of LADA. Either way, he is trying to prepare himself mentally for the task of possible pumping. I gave him a short overview of what I like about it; I tried to address some of the usual questions quickly, like "Do you take it off to sleep? What about when you shower?"

From what he's described to me, I think a pump is going to work wonders for him as long as there's not a steep learning curve in terms of programming.

Are there any Type 2's with insulin pumps out there? Are there any sites or resources I can share with my co-worker? Let me know!

Diabetes Blessings Week

2010-11-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

(Thanks to Mike over at My Diabetic Heart for coming up with this one...I feel like I am running out of steam here at the end of NaBloPoMo! Topics are incredibly helpful.)

Yesterday, I had to rant and rave about things which I'm NOT thankful for, but today, I have decided to pitch in my two cents for Diabetes Blessings Week. I know, it's probably a foreign concept to most people to come up with ways something debilitating can bless your life. It takes a little soul-searching to say, "You know, Diabetes, I don't always think you're an a-hole."

But here are some ways diabetes has been a blessing-in-disguise for me:

1.) I visit a doctor multiple times a year. Whether it's an endocrinologist, an opthamologist, an OB-GYN, or just my family doctor's office, I have always been encouraged to stay up on my health. I've always tried to speak up when something is not right with my body. Do I slack off sometimes? Yes. But I always know where to turn, and whenever I move, I end up searching out a whole new team to work with me.

2.) I eat healthier than I might have otherwise. Lately I've really been fixated on getting enough fiber in my diet and drinking more water.

3.) I try not to take things or people for granted. You never know who you may need to lean on in a tumultuous time of your life. You could be perfectly fine one day and horrible the next. I am often ready to embrace change!

4.) It's made me smarter in odd ways. I am terrible at algebra, but pretty good at working on my correction formulas. I can tell you what's a sugar in the ingredient list of a packaged food, and I can probably tell you what artificial sweetener they've used as well. I've rigged up MacGuyver cooling packs for outdoor days in the summer. I can talk at length about the Glycemic Index, and I've never been to nutritional school. That time we did a blood-typing lab in my college biology class, I was the most popular girl in the room because I could prick my own finger and bleed without fear.

5.) It makes me think. What time are we eating? What kind of bolus should I take? What kind of correction do I want? How much alcohol do I plan to drink at this party? Who are the empowered patients? What can I do to make my blog look better? How many grams of carbs in this salad? What will I write about tonight? Do I call the endo or the CDE? Pizza or subs? When will I be ready to do this damned basal test? Do you think I should get a Dexcom? Diabetes questions run through my head ad nauseum.

6.) I understood the importance of decent health insurance from a very early age. I also learned how to navigate health insurance earlier than a lot of my friends.

7.) On a similar note, it's helped me figure out how to get through to a real person on most automated phone lines!

8.) It's made me even more self-aware. I need to question if I'm being cranky because I'm low, or perhaps high, or perhaps I'm just genuinely cranky and need some sleep or a cup of coffee. Like now. Now is a good time for me to go to bed.

Things To Be Unthankful For

2010-11-22T23:24:00.000-05:00

It's Thanksgiving week, it's true. It's a time I like to think about all the good things in my life. All the people, opportunities and things which I'm thankful for. But you know what? I feel like this year, in order to be truly thankful, I need to get those things off my chest for which I am not at all thankful. So let's call this a Thanksgiving Week Thanks-But-No-Thanks list.

1.) Depression. I have been taking Wellbutrin for over a month now, and while I feel like it's really helping me to feel less hopeless and apathetic, there are still so many things needing my attention. I'm not really giving it my all yet. I might be getting closer, but then some days I just break down crying over something stupid. Spilled milk. A sideways glance. The fact that my pants don't fit.

2.) Swollen Ankles. The cause of them? I still don't know. My really cool GP is actually concerned about them, compared to the rest of the world who seems to just shrug it off. She wants me to go have a stress test because of the swelling and the tachycardia I get sometimes. I just get annoyed because it's difficult to buy shoes. It's tough to have lower self-confidence when it comes to my legs. For years, I've always thought them to be one of my better physical features.

3.) Bad Infusion Sites. Blockage detected. Beep beep beep. This set is brand new, so what the hell? Put in a new set in a different spot, and it's almost guaranteed to be one of the most painful sites you've chosen in weeks, just to continue spiting you for pulling a bad set.

4.) Diabetes and Illness in General. I hate the fact that sometimes blogging feels like I am taking too much time to catalog my maladies. I worry that you, my readers, aren't getting to know the real me, but the sick me. The one who is trying to fight diabetes but struggling so much at times. Honestly, folks, don't look to me as a role model on how to care for yourself. I want to be here for you. I want to present my life with as much truth as I can muster.

5.) Work Stress. The busier things get, the less time I have to focus on my writing, which is always important to me. I get home exhausted, and much like tonight, I will veg in front of the TV for four hours instead of maybe trying to write or blog during at least half of that time.

Those are the biggies plaguing my mind this week. I feel better already for airing my grievances. But wait, I thought Festivus was a December celebration! Hmm.

OMG ZOMBIES!!1!

2010-11-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

Are you watching The Walking Dead on AMC?

Because I am.

You may be saying, "But I don't like zombies. Or gore. Or horror. Eek!"

However, The Walking Dead is not just a show about zombies and grossness. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it's about human drama in the worst of times. Seeing the best and worst in people.

I'm sure there are comic book purists out there who don't like the characters they've added in and the changes that were made, but whatever. Nobody is ever satisfied with interpretations of books that are made into TV shows and movies.

What I'm saying is that this is what I'm really into these days, it beats any reality crap that you can watch, and shows emotions more genuinely than anything out there where characters tell you about their true feelings in a confessional.

It helps me having reliable escapism these days, even when that escape isn't always a sunny, happy-go-lucky kind of place. I can go somewhere where I can immerse myself in something completely different from myself. And even worse.

I guess watching zombies stagger about and people occasionally getting eaten makes me feel better about having stomach issues, depression, diabetes, job-related stress. And it could probably help you too.

Self-Portrait Saturday

2010-11-20T20:18:00.002-05:00

Ice cream carbs be damned, I make this look goooood. Happy Saturday!

More Pokes, Less Ouches: The Multiclix

2010-11-19T20:53:00.001-05:00

I purchased an Accu-Check Multiclix lancing device, and while I don't have a huge write-up about it prepared yet, I would definitely like to say that I'm really enjoying it. It makes the lancer that comes with the One-Touch Mini seem like a guillotine.

Thanks to the d-blogosphere, I have finally upgraded to a lancing device that doesn't suck. I know tons of blog friends consider them a cult favorite among lancing devices. It seems strange saying that something pointy that makes your fingers bleed could be a "favorite" at all. For the record, yes, it still hurts sometimes, but it doesn't thud into your finger like some lancing devices do. Perhaps I'll check back in about it after using it for a week or so.

In the meantime, glucose-check time just because a little less ouchy.

Epic Win [Butler]

2010-11-18T23:31:00.000-05:00

I love music. Always have. Always will. I know I am extraordinarily late to the party, but I am currently obsessed with Arcade Fire. Recently, I saw from various random internet sources that Kings of Leon called them a bunch of douchebags or pretentious assholes or pussies or something. Look here, Kings of Leon. Your songs don't make me cry.

So if that makes me some kind of pretentious, Canadian-loving douche, so be it. You try playing a song in an elevator using a magazine for a percussion instrument.

And hey, KOL, you guys are okay. But do you have a song that is more of an anthem to me? Something that makes me want to raise my arms and weep like some people do in church? I don't think so. I can't see this video enough without thinking about how epic this song is to me. And if that doesn't make me one of the macho masses, then screw you. I never was.

The Game is Afoot!

2010-11-17T23:59:00.001-05:00

Today, I am just here to say that the hunt is on. I think it is high time to find a new endocrinologist. Now, don't get me wrong, my current endo, Dr. B, is actually a really nice lady. She's really helpful when I go in for checkups. Yet thanks to the practice she is a part of, I have issues.

First of all, they never make reminder calls. Ever. I've even checked to make sure they have my phone number on file, and they have it. It's correct. Perhaps I should just keep better track of my own appointments by logging them on Google Calendar or putting appointment cards somewhere where they're easy to find, but all of my other doctors (GP, psychiatrist, gynocologist) have made reminder calls. Why not the doctor who should be most important to me? Also, since they charge a $25 missed appointment fee, I'd REALLY like to know when I'm supposed to be there.

Second, I usually arrive to my appointments right on time. Then I end up waiting a minimum of 20 minutes for the nurse to even call me back for the weigh/measure/blood pressure rigamarole. That's a minimum. Often, I am trying to get back to work after an appointment. People tend to talk if you have been gone for two hours in the middle of the day for a doctor's appointment that is only a few miles away. Also, the current endo's office is somewhat closer to where I work, while all my other doctors and my dentist are very close to my home. It's inconvenient for me to make morning appointments at my current endo's office because it's a distance to travel without traffic, and the morning rush in that area can be harrowing.

Last but not least, all of these annoyance factors combine to keep me from going to the endo's office at all. I have not been to see her in over six months because I just get frustrated at the practice itself. Dr. B hasn't done anything wrong. I really wish that I could just transplant her to my neighborhood in an office where she's the lone endo. She was even recommended to me this way: "Dr. B is great! But don't bother seeing anyone else in her practice." I think she just needs to get out and find a practice of her own, but until that day comes, I think I'm endocrinologist shopping.

Have you ever had to "break up" with an endocrinologist you've otherwise liked? [I'm thinking for a reason other than moving. I switched endos' offices when I moved from Delaware to Pennsylvania, obviously. That was a natural transition.]

An Unexpected Workday Low

2010-11-16T21:16:00.000-05:00

An hour and a half before lunch, I realized I had forgotten to bolus for the two clementines I ate for breakfast. I checked my blood and it was a whopping 369 mg/dl.

"Those damned carby little fruits," I muttered to myself as I programmed my pump to give me a correction bolus. I went back to doing my work.

My co-worker returned from picking up our lunch at around 1:00pm. I checked my blood: 102 mg/dl. I cheered my pump. "Good work, insulin correction factor!" I bolused for my six-inch tuna sub and bag of baked Lay's chips. It was tasty, and I enjoyed my lunch break.

Around 1:45pm, some colleagues from another office dropped in needing work space. The plan was we were to all meet together to go over some process stuff. Not a big deal, but a lot to go over on very short notice. I showed them to the conference room, then as I walked the 15 feet back to my cubicle, I began to feel...off.

A wave of slight nausea and lightheadedness passed over me where I stood. I felt shaky on my feet. My heart started beating faster, and I suddenly felt voraciously hungry. "Oh shit," I thought, "I'm low, and I have to go into a meeting in like 20 minutes. Wait, am I low? Because I did everything I was supposed to." And then, after checking my glucose and finding it at 68 mg/dl only about 30 minutes after my lunch bolus, it dawned on me. I had overcorrected. I had corrected myself for being 396 mg/dl, and not the actual number of 369 mg/dl. I was sinking like a stone, and people needed me to be available soon.

I quickly chomped down five glucose tabs instead of the usual four, and also found two fun-sized Nestle Crunch bars to take the edge off my hunger pangs. I am NOT saying this is what you should do in this situation, but my time was limited and so was the time of the visiting colleagues. I can function with a high blood glucose, but NOT a low one. I ended up so busy for the rest of the afternoon that I did not have a moment to myself to sit down and do a retest.

I did what I had to do, and in the end, I think the meeting with my colleagues was really productive! My blood sugars for the rest of the day, however, may be another story.

In Defense of Creativity

2010-11-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

Well pointed ranting, for the world, from Hannah.

There is always more on my mind than just diabetes. A huge part of my brain is dedicated to creative pursuits. I am always thinking of some off-the-wall thing to say. I doodle in the margins of my meeting notes. I make up songs while driving in the car. My internal monologue is pretty loud, and it often sounds like descriptive passages in a novel. (For the record, it's sometimes in first person, sometimes in third person.) Coming up with new ideas, looking at things from new angles, and putting words to paper/computer screen is my livelihood.

I am considering a slight revamping of the blog, and my mind starts whirring every time I think about how I want to arrange things. Thoughts of new color schemes bring a smile to my face, and don't even get me started on how cool it will be if I can get a 3-column format with tabbed pages across the top. Any time I actually have time to finish a poem these days, I feel like I could throw a party. In this party, we will most likely have costumes and themed beverages. I am creative, through and through.

Well, I am tired as hell of feeling like that's just a secondary thing in life. I don't think those of us who have creative minds get taken seriously, and it's a tough hurdle for many of us to get over. In jobs I've had, I sometimes find the belief that creativity and the arts are still mere leisure pursuits. I believe that the successful people in creative professions are some of the most passionate people about their work. Honestly, passion makes a real difference for anyone in any line of work! I have a friend who gets very excited when he talks about accounting, statistics, and retirement funds. I know he will make an excellent CPA.

It seems to me that creativity is often discounted by the business world. I feel that some people shame the creatives for not doing any "real work". The events planner gets to "put little parties together" (yes, in passing, I once heard this phrase being used) and the graphic designer gets to doodle all afternoon. The writer [of this blog post] sits with her laptop in a coffee shop until an idea strikes her. When an artistic person gets excited about expense reports, selling things to people, operating machines, pouring your coffee, whatever, suddenly you are on your way to being this well-groomed corporate grown-up that people expect you to become if you want to get anywhere in the working world.

I smile a lot. I laugh a lot. I have the perkiest receptionist voice in the greater Philadelphia area. (Seriously, if they had a contest for that, I'd totally win.) I catch on to all sorts of computer programs, processes and filing systems very quickly. I am slow to anger, quick to answer questions with accuracy. Yet, on some intellectual level, or perhaps from a career standpoint, I don't always feel at home, and ultimately, I think that's where I truly see myself in five years. I want a home away from home that I'm happy to go to on the weekdays, a place where creative people are celebrated. Sure, some may say that's a pipe dream, or I sound like a hippie, but there are creative, interesting places to work wherever you go. I hope one day, I can get into that sort of a place.

I'm a creative. In school, I was a daydreamer. A procrastinator. I had A's in English, C's in Math. I've never been good at fitting into molds. Just last week I told my mother I don't think I'll ever truly do anything the traditional way. One of these years, maybe I will get to write for a living. Maybe I need to go back to school. Maybe I need to look into freelancing.

I just wish more people understood that being creative doesn't have to be something you reserve for a hobby in your after-work hours. Artists and creative people are not slackers. Our passions drive us to succeed, just the way yours do.

Happy World Diabetes Day!

2010-11-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

So the day is almost over, but I hope everyone out there has taken this opportunity to help someone else learn about diabetes, to educate your families and friends, and also to just take a few moments to be grateful for all that you have.

I know it's not Thanksgiving yet, but I have to say that I am so thankful for insulin. Even though I felt kind of blah today and missed the Big Blue Test, I hope that it was a smashing success. Am I a Big Blue Fail? Hell no. I'm still here; I'm still living the best life I can.

And that's what World Diabetes Day is about for me. The fact that I'm still here to share it with others.

<3

Sick Saturday

2010-11-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

Good Idea: Getting a flu shot so you don't get sick with a nasty flu over the next few months. Hooray!

Bad Idea: Getting a flu shot just before the weekend so you feel like crap half the night Friday and most of the day Saturday.

Every other time I get a flu shot (because I know it's not every single year), I feel ill for the next day or two. I'm actually now quite glad I had other plans for tonight and had to miss the big diabetes meetup in NYC today. I don't think I could have handled the entire afternoon on my feet, wandering the exhibit. In fact, here's where I was mere moments ago:

Urrrgh, I feel like...urrrgh. Naptime again.

I had a mind to accomplish things today, but I woke up with a low blood sugar, and when Matt and I got back from brunch and some errands, I spent the next hour and a half in bed. Today feels more like an energized sick day than a fun Saturday. Now if you don't mind me, I should go rest up for seeing friends tonight and going to a show.

Don't forget, tomorrow is World Diabetes Day! Go watch the Big Blue Test video and join the Diabetes Online Community for the Big Blue Test tomorrow! I hope I am feeling well enough for 14 minutes of physical activity in a row. Blah.

Freakin' Friday!

2010-11-12T18:39:00.000-05:00

Rushing all over the place, I had a loooong day with good things and bad things, but now I must prepare for a big ol' poetry slam! EEEEK!

Monologing will be left for tomorrow. Tonight, I perform on stage! Wish me luck!

i, fanblades

2010-11-11T22:23:00.000-05:00

My fabulous husband is in a band--i, fanblades. They have been playing a lot lately, and it's always fun. These are not the best pictures in the world because I think I took them with my cell phone, but here, you can see the rockstar awesomeness. That's my hubs, Matt, on the right, and that's Nigel, our former roommate, on the left. Yes, Nigel has a mohawk, and yes, it is awesome thank you very much.

I don't have a lot of time to wax poetic today, but I thought you might enjoy a glimpse at something I see often on the weekends.


Not Pictured: Chris, on drums, and JW, on percussion. Why? I don't have photos of them on my cell phone!

Twitchy twitch.

2010-11-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

I don't like using the blog to catalog every malady that comes my way, but dammit, I need to talk about these things somewhere.

I've scored a doctor's appointment for this Friday for the weird minty-fresh feeling in my chest, and while I'm there, I think I'm going to have to ask her to take a look at my right hand/wrist. I keep having wrist pain, and my right ring finger keeps twitching, especially during the day when I am typing or using the mouse at work. I am beginning to suspect that I am suffering sympathy tendinitis for Kerri!

Ouchies. Does this ever happen to you? Do you ever feel like multiple parts of your body are rebelling at once for no apparent reason?

D-Blog Day 2010: 6 Things You Should Know About Diabetes

2010-11-09T17:07:00.000-05:00

For the full list of D-Blog Day Blog Posts, please visit the link at the end of this post!

1.) Diabetes is not easy.
I talk a big game. I make it seem like diabetes isn’t a big deal. I’m kind of a low-key, relatively laid back person when it comes to talking about diabetes. It’s there, something you just put up with, like waiting on a bad haircut to grow out. One more fact of life, because sometimes, that’s all it is. You are just focusing on living your life. You test, you bolus, you eat. Life goes on, ob la di ob la da. Yet there will always be late nights with bad blood sugars. There will be a day when your blood glucose drops a second time even though you chomped down seven glucose tabs. You might be judged by a doctor as soon as you walk in a room and say, “I’ve been diabetic for ___ years now, and no, my A1C is not perfect.” Sometimes, diabetes feels like something I can put in my pocket or hide in my purse. I’ll take it out and show it off if necessary. But I’m just going to come right out and say it here, maybe even wave it around in your face a bit: DIABETES IS HARD.

2.) Diabetes drains your energy…and your patience.
I was 9 or 10, and it seemed like the most simple thing in the world. Mom told me to take my offending soda to the counter and request that they replace it with diet, as that’s what I ordered. I marched up to the counter with my Happy Meal-sized cup and got the attention of the nearest employee. “Excuse me,” I said, “but I ordered a diet Coke, and this is definitely not diet.”

The woman behind the counter was confused and bewildered. Was a 9-year-old actually requesting a diet soda? How precocious! “Ummm…” the lady started, and I cringed. I quickly responded to her lack of concern with “I need diet soda because I have diabetes, could you please get me a new drink?” Suddenly she looked sympathetic and switched my soda immediately. It feels the same way today sometimes.

Whether someone is asking if I can eat that or trying to tell me that some new health issue of mine is OBVIOUSLY because I have diabetes, people make judgments and generalizations, and despite my best efforts to educate and end stereotypes, generalizations and misinformation are always going to be a part of life. Guess what? I’m not necessarily grumpy because I have diabetes—I’m grumpy because I’m tired of having to explain to you what that means all the time!

3.) It’s not something that can be outgrown…or cured…at least not yet.
You have diabetes. You will always have diabetes until someone cures it. It doesn’t matter what type you have, what age you are, or how much weight you lose. You will always have diabetes. Oh sure, you might be able to lose weight if you’re a Type 2 and have it sort of slip into a remission of sorts, but it’s not really gone. This is why we need to own our conditions rather than be ashamed of them. They’re not going anywhere.

4.) It can make you strong.
If you don’t have diabetes, or even if you do, you may want to vomit when considering poking yourself with a needle. Every day, I may cringe slightly, but I make myself bleed. Or I’m jabbing myself in the abdomen with an infusion set or a syringe. Sometimes multiple times a day, and I barely even bat an eye. It has given me the guts to speak up for myself at the doctor’s office. It has given me the gall to start this blog. Honestly, before I started blogging, I barely talked about diabetes or what it meant to me. I am with Amy, who says we may not want to be recognized for our bravery, but I think as diabetics, we want to be recognized for our strength in dealing with this every single day of our lives.

5.) It will break your heart.
I’m not saying it’s going to cause a lover to leave you, necessarily, but it can sink in and rip you apart. When it’s quiet, and you’re by yourself, you’ll think of diabetes, and how there is no end in sight. You’ll wonder about your random aches and pains. You’ll pray that you are healthy enough that you will live a long, complication-free life. You will break down at the dinner table in frustration. You will wonder why we are always supposed to just suck it up and live with it. Some people might think that diabetes is your fault. Some people will set you up to expect your body to just one day fail, despite your best efforts. Some of us may accept that awful fate until it becomes truth. Some of us will leave this earth far too young, before we even reach adulthood. It can chip at your sanity, your self-esteem, your happiness. It will scare you, yet I think the biggest heartbreak of living with diabetes is wondering, “What if I had been normal and healthy? Would it still be like this?”

6.) It DOESN’T stop me, and it shouldn’t stop anyone else.
Things I have done with diabetes: Learned to drive, went to 4 proms, graduated high school, went to college away from home, joined an improv comedy troupe, served as news director of my college radio station for two years, made a ton of friends, got engaged, appeared in two performances of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, graduated college, represented Delaware on two National Poetry Slam teams, edited (and still edit) a literary magazine, got married, worked multiple jobs, rented multiple apartments/houses, got drunk now and then, partied like a (indie) rock star, sang karaoke, kissed in the rain, fell for all kinds of men (even when they didn’t know), made a ton more friends. Most importantly, I have loved fearlessly and lived a life that truly makes me happy. You should too.

More D-Blog Day Goodies Here! Thanks, Gina, for organizing!

Things That Shouldn't Be Minty Fresh

2010-11-08T19:35:00.000-05:00

I had some great ideas for today's post initially, but guess what? They have been pre-empted.

Attention all interweb hypochondriacs, amateur doctors and real doctors alike: I have a symptom and it's weirding me the hell out. Over the past couple of days, I've had this passing cold, tingly sensation that occurs between my throat and the upper part of my chest. It came and went, I assumed it was just a side effect of the colder weather here in Pennsylvania now that it's November. But today it is here with a vengeance.

What is this sensation exactly? It's the sensation you get when you bite into a York Peppermint Pattie. It feels like I've swallowed some severe toothpaste, or I've been sucking down menthol Halls all day long. It is making me nervous.

So of course, I turn to the internet's finest health professionals (yeah right), the dwellers of internet message boards, because a Google search yielded no reasonable results from less dubious sources like the Mayo Clinic or the CDC. They seem to be telling me 3 things:

1.) It's acid reflux/GERD/something else I forget that's related to your stomach.

2.) It's my heart (which scares the ever-lovin' SHIT out of me)
3.) Nobody knows. Nobody's going to tell you what it is. It'll come and go in a couple months, tops.

Not helpful at all, unless you count helping in making me feel a bit panicked. Yes, I know the end result should be calling a doctor, but I just want something now. Do I go buy some antacids and see if they provide relief? Do I stop at the urgent care clinic on the way home, or do I just wait it out until morning to call my doc?

If I do go to the doc, I don't want to see Dr. P, the lady doctor who mentioned Diabetic Gastroparesis back in August. I got so angry with her, and yet here's a symptom that could potentially be tied in. The last thing I want that smug woman doing is giving me that I-told-you-so look. Or telling me outright she doesn't understand my problem and I should just get my diabetes under control. It's hard to get your diabetes under control when you're anxious about what's happening to your body!

Here's the deal. It's not pain...it doesn't hurt. It isn't a burning sensation, but I think maybe that's changing a bit? Either that or I'm paranoid that it's happening. It's cold, it's minty-fresh, and it doesn't belong there. Now what?

Friends and Family Day

2010-11-07T13:43:00.000-05:00

One of the prompts from the ADA 30 Blogs in 30 Days challenge asks you to consider and write about the friends and family who contribute to your well-being. How do they help you? What is it that they do for you?

I like to think I don’t heavily lean on family and friends when it comes to taking care of myself. I consider myself an independent person who is strong, smart and capable of doing what’s necessary. However:

1.) If I have a low in the middle of night, or if I am somewhat far away from the fridge, I always feel comforted if Matt can bring me a glass of juice or something to eat. If I’m high and a bit groggy/cranky, I take a correction bolus and request a glass of water. We read carb counts on food wrappers together. We are trying to eat more veggies together. I may be the primary person responsible for The Big D, but no doubt about it, we are a team.

2.) I am grateful for the care I received from my mom and dad when I was young. I probably don’t say that enough. They both worked really hard to make sure I got to be a normal kid who just happened to also have diabetes. My mom gave me my morning injections. My dad gave me my injections before dinner. I learned how to give myself injections when I was in fourth or fifth grade--I was diagnosed during the summer before I started third grade. I was always happy that my parents were supportive and helpful when it came to diabetes, even when they were annoying the hell out of me in my teen years. (But whose parents don’t during that time of life?)

3.) My closest friends throughout middle school and beyond and their families affected me, most of the time for the better. I think some friends’ mothers were so excited that I was around. Finally, they could serve their family a balanced meal with lots of veggies and everything! I must admit I often worried I was a bother. I always felt, deep down, that I was disturbing other people’s family routines, maybe I was a bit of a burden. Cari’s mom felt obligated to buy sugar-free ice cream if I was coming over, no matter how many times I mentioned that I could still eat the real stuff. She and Melissa’s mom both started purchasing diet sodas. Melissa’s mom had a whole shelf in her pantry where she kept the “Hannah Food”. My dear friends, if my requiring “healthy foods” ever caused your moms (and you *know* how they are) to make you feel bad about yourselves, I’m sorry. I hope they never said anything bad about me in return, but you never know.

Anyone who has ever touched my life has, whether directly or indirectly, touched my life with diabetes. So thank you, all my beloveds, for buying Diet Coke for your parties, for not minding my poking myself at your dinner table, for putting up with the super-scheduled meals of years gone by, for cracking jokes about my insulin pump. I will even thank everyone for their occasional nagging. I know it’s not always well-received, but your intentions are good. And yes, Mom, I still don’t regularly log my sugars like I should. But I love all of you. Thanks for all you do for me.

Two Things Tonight

2010-11-06T22:32:00.001-04:00

These are both important, so pay attention.

1.) Set your clocks back an hour before you go to sleep.

2.) Change your lancet already, would ya?

I surely will. NaBloPoMo marches on! See you tomorrow.

Freaky Friday: Weird BGs and More

2010-11-05T22:17:00.000-04:00

1. Lately, I've been going to bed with high numbers, correcting, and thankfully waking up with normal numbers. The only problem is I keep waking up thirsty! I often wake up panicked that I've pulled out my infusion set during the night. Sometimes I suspect that my correction bolus didn't work at all! I went to bed at 300 mg/dl, so where the hell am I at now? The same? HIGHER? Every time I test, it's like...163. Or 132. Slightly elevated, but so much better than what I went to sleep with. Oh well, at least the corrections are working.

2. Maybe some of the corrections are working a little too well. I found myself at 253 mg/dl as I arrived at work this morning. I blame last night's Chinese food. Anyway. I correct and go about my morning at work, which is relatively inactive. The biggest workout I had this morning was flexing my right arm and bending my wrist to get the jammed paper out of the copier. Around 1:00pm, I start to feel it. The shaking, coupled with the hunger that says "Feed me, Seymour! Feed me now!" Test my blood. 72. Low for me, and this is even after I had dove into the leftover Halloween candy dish without bolusing for that fun size Butterfinger. Luckily, there were two mini boxes of Milk Duds with four Milk Duds each. They hit the spot and brought me up relatively quickly. Back to work I went.

3. I kinda poured my heart out last night in my post. I hope you had a chance to read it. It's not often these days that I get to spill my guts and have it not be slightly diabetes-related. Unadulterated joy and emotion can so easily make us forget our troubles and forgive our faults. There are a number of fairly devout bloggers out there, but these days, it seems that music is my church.

How To Stay Sane, Part 1.

2010-11-04T23:37:00.001-04:00

I have work in the morning at 8am. I will probably be up until 1am, maybe even 2am. When I go to concerts, I feel alive. Sometimes I just close my eyes, absorb the music, and know that there are better things out there for me. When I hear the music, I can hear the possibilities in my mind. I start composing poetry that I don't write down.

Now that I'm 28 and my friends are closer to their thirties as well, I sometimes hear that they are getting too old for this stuff. Usually, they just mention these things jokingly between head-bangingly loud sets. These days, we wear earplugs more often. We scoff at what "the kids" are wearing this year. I don't want us to actually get to the point where we are too old for this. This elation should never get old.

When I feel the kickdrum in my chest, I can't help but be happy. There is always catharsis, and the best shows lead to optimism.

In these moments, I don't worry about work. I don't worry about sadness or drama. I don't think about having diabetes. I don't worry about the future. I stomp my feet. I swivel my hips. I sing louder than I can even sing in the car or the shower. Maybe I think of a past love or an old friend or someone who should be there with me to share the experience. Music is so important to my life, so transformative at times.

Wolf Parade, Trocadero, Philadelphia PA. 11-4-10.

A thousand little gloves
What makes you know you’re alive
This heart’s on fire
This heart’s on fire

--Wolf Parade, "This Heart's on Fire"

Depressed and Diabetic: The Winning Combination!

2010-11-03T22:27:00.000-04:00

Remember back when I was talking about diapression? I still think the word is utterly ludicrous; however, I never did doubt that it was a real thing.

A few weeks ago, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. I was nervous. I had thoughts in my head of men with cigars who pay you no mind as you talk about your dreams. I pictured Betty Draper, from Mad Men, lying on that black leather couch in season 1, talking to a man who never seems to really be listening.

When I got to the psychiatrist's office, I found it rather...doctor-ish. The ceiling of the waiting room was your standard white-panel ceiling with florescent lighting. There was a lamp, for ambiance, I suppose. Next to me was a small end table with one of those table-top fountains on it, the tiniest trickle of water running through it...for ambience, I suppose. There was a coffee table with various magazines on it, and a magazine rack on the wall with your typical trashy doctor's office fare. I wondered if it was healthy to be looking at doctored-up photos in Glamour magazine when you're supposed to be receiving mental health care. Don't women with serious body issues come into this office?

I filled out some paperwork and took some deep breaths. Eventually I was called back to see the doctor. He had a relatively nice office despite the conventional doctor's office location. I sat in a moderately comfortable chair by his desk. We talked a bit. I was a wee bit surprised that he was not trying to plumb my subconscious for information. He wasn't asking me a lot of questions, and if he was, it felt more like a conversation than an interrogation on my mental state. He diagnosed me as depressed and put me on Wellbutrin, which was kind of what I requested, as I've been on it before and it didn't cause me any irritating side effects.

So here I am once again, "blessed" with these two D's in my life...diabetes and depression. I go in for my first follow-up visit tomorrow. I guess I've noticed some small changes in these three weeks, but I don't know yet. I do feel a little less hopeless. I'm definitely crying less, trying to talk through things more.

Just don't make me call it diapression. If I do have to call it diapression*, please make sure I do this while sporting some jeggings* and talking to an audience of tweens*.

*Now you know 3 of my least favorite words. My number one least favorite word? Eyesore. Ick, I don't even like looking at it.

Big Blue Test Video Fundraiser

2010-11-02T23:29:00.000-04:00

It's worth repeating, even if I mentioned it yesterday. Go to YouTube and watch the Diabetes Hands Foundation's Big Blue Test video! All you have to do is click that there link, watch the video, and insulin will be donated to children in need around the world. It's less than two minutes, people. What the heck are you waiting for?

Maybe you were expecting Wilford Brimley's Diabeetus Dance Mix? Or the Diabetes Rap? ("I'm a type 1, son!")

Oh, you were expecting a lengthy, introspective blog post? Well so was I until Firefox ATE IT. So...videos! Watch them! Happy NaBloPoMo/NaDiAwMo!

What would you SAE?

2010-11-01T13:22:00.001-04:00

When I say SAE, I am not referring to the Society for Automotive Engineers. SAE stands for what should be the three tenets of National Diabetes Awareness Month here in the US: Support, Advocate, Educate. Today is SAE It Loud Day in the Diabetes OC, the brainchild of the fabulous and talented Sarah of Sugabetic.com.

Support
Now that it's National Diabetes Awareness Month (declared by President Obama) and/or American Diabetes Month (declared by the American Diabetes Association), there are going to be a lot more people out there raising awareness about diabetes. There are going to be a lot of new people who may be turning to the Diabetes OC for support, help, information, answers. I am going to make an effort this month to comment on other people's blogs instead of just reading and darting off to the next one. I am going to support myself by checking my blood glucose more often, keeping up appointments and communication with my kickass CDE Sarah K, and calling my endo's office to make an appointment--finally. I've been putting it off since I cancelled the last one. Not good, I know.

Advocate
Did you know that just by watching a short YouTube video, you can help a child in need receive a week's worth of insulin? Also, you'll be able to learn about the Big Blue Test, a great way for everyone to advocate for diabetes, on November 14, World Diabetes Day 2010! In case you didn't click the link the first time around, you want to GO HERE for the video. Bonus: the video stars real people with diabetes, including George and Manny!

Also, tomorrow is Election Day! Go out and vote! I know I will.

Educate
I am not a Certified Diabetes Educator. I apparently need a degree in one of several AADE-approved fields plus I need to pass a licensing test. I have a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications, which means I'm pretty decent with my words. (Also 100% not AADE-approved, unless you're trying for a job in their PR department or something...) So while I am not a health professional of any sort, I am still able to educate people about diabetes. Writing is often my best avenue to achieve this, so this month, I have taken on the National Blog Posting Month challenge! I will write a new post every day this month, weekends included. I haven't undertaken this challenge since 2007, so let's see what happens, shall we?

Additionally, the American Diabetes Association, in conjunction with their new blog, Diabetes Stops Here, is hosting their own 30 posts/30 days challenge! There's going to be a lot of talking here over the next month, so I hope you readers enjoy my posts. So I will say this, and say it with confidence: talk to you tomorrow!

Part of This Carb-y Breakfast!

2010-10-26T16:49:00.001-04:00

It doesn't matter if you're a Type 1 or a Type 2, carb counting can be surprising. In preparation for a ravenous run to the Panera Bread which shares a building with my office, I checked out their nutrition facts online this morning.

Did I want a whole grain bagel, or was I more in the mood for an egg soufflé?

The entire whole grain bagel clocked in at 70 grams of carbs, with a measly 6 grams of dietary fiber. I'd be bolusing for about 64 grams of carbs! Yet again proving that "whole grain" products are not necessarily "high fiber" or "low net carb" or "good for you". I tend to eat carbs with reckless abandon some days. I'm sure we've all done it at one point or another, but today I was feeling responsible. How much worse could the egg soufflé be?

I was pleasantly surprised to find the egg soufflé (I was ordering the ham & swiss) had only 35 grams of carbs, with 2 grams of fiber, so it meant I'd be bolusing for only 33 grams! Sure, half a bagel could have sufficed for the same amount of carbohydrate, but I was hungrier than that. By ordering the soufflé, I also got a whopping 19 grams of protein; therefore, I was not starving two hours after like I would have been with a bagel!

I enjoy many breakfasts and lunches at Panera Bread. They didn't ask me or pay me to write this. Hell, they may not even know that I'm writing this. If you enjoy eating there as I do, check out Panera Nutrition, their nutrition calculator website. It's very helpful, and also a bit shocking! Did I mention my egg soufflé had grams of fat in the double-digits? Yeah, I guess what you sacrifice in bagel carbs you make up for in eggy, cheesy fats. Oh, but they were tasty fats.

Dead-in-Bed Tragedy

2010-10-25T19:37:00.000-04:00

The diabetes community-at-large lost another young member last week to the Dead-in-Bed phenomenon. It's yet another heartbreaking reminder that our time on this earth, no matter how hard we try, can be a very fickle thing. There is not much in the way of commentary I can offer that hasn't already been said.

Amy Tenderich hosted a great guest post today at DiabetesMine by Michelle Page Alswager, who also lost her own 13-year-old to Dead-in-Bed.

Allison of Lemonade Life suggests that "we must live in hope and action" in a blog post from last Thursday.

Kelly of Diabetesaliciousness fame was so moved that she opted to join in the local Philadelphia JDRF Walk this past Sunday at the last minute. She ended up raising over $300!

So many words of encouragement out there on the diabetes community, the sharing of stories, grief, fears, hopes, dreams.

It's such a scary thing. It's a concept I'd never even thought about until I started seeing it in the news around the Diabetes OC. Overthinking it can be a reality check. This past Saturday, sleeping at home in my own bed, I woke up with a start. My heart was pounding, and I was sweating. I tossed off my blankets. My blood glucose was a bit high, but nothing outlandish. My heart just kept on pounding. Does a heart arrhythmia feel like anything? I asked myself, paranoid. What if one day I just didn't wake up?

I don't know how to prepare a loved one for this kind of thought without them delving into a world of worry, pain and potential heartbreak. I got up, had a glass of water, tried some deep breaths. I felt better. I was probably having a nightmare that caused my heart to race. I got back in bed but continued to toss and turn for the next hour while the man I love snored softly next to me, entirely oblivious to my frustrated flopping.

I cannot imagine what it must be like for these families. My heart goes out to you. I'm not sure that there is much else I can do or say. I hope for strength for you all in the days to come.

Greetings from Digital Pharma East 2010

2010-10-20T14:43:00.001-04:00

I am a conference n00b. Some members of the diabetes online community have given talks and served on panels at BlogWorld, BlogHer, ePatCon, CWD, and on Roche's diabetes advisory board. This is the first conference at which I've had the pleasure of speaking, and I'd like to thank the hosts for having me.

Thus far, it's been a great experience for me. Not every seminar or experience has directly related to me as a patient, but I definitely enjoy being able to give my perspective when it's needed...or even when it's not needed. Pharma industry reps and marketers need to learn that patients would like to build a trusting relationship with the people who make and provide the medications, devices and medical products which they require to live.

Why should people in pharma care about what the ePatients of the world say? Because we talk to each other. Because we want honest conversations. Because we get your messages from traditional marketing, but in this digital age, just telling me to buy something through a TV ad or a doctor's office is not enough. If I can go onto the web and compare reviews for nearly every book, movie, piece of clothing or pair of shoes that I might want to buy, I can also go out and look for information on pharmaceutical products.

Pharma seems so reluctant at times to dip their toes into the waters of social media, ePatients, digital marketing. Maybe regulations are the one thing standing in their way. I hope pharma is listening to what the patients want.

We are your customers. Please...listen.

I will be talking more specifics of my experiences at Digital Pharma East in the next couple of days. Thanks again to the Exl team who put this conference together and put me on their panel!

(Coming soon...The Animas Presentation, my brief encounter with Dr. Anonymous, and fun with Allison and Lee Ann!)

Let's Meet the Marketers!

2010-10-18T23:47:00.000-04:00

In the interest of disclosure, tomorrow afternoon I will be making my debut conference appearance at Digital Pharma East in Philadelphia. I'm excited, and of course a bit anxious. I do hope that whatever I end up saying onstage has resonance with the conference attendees. I hope to make some great networking connections as well.

And I hope to have a fun time doing it. I'm sure having Allison there with me is going to help a bunch, too. She mentioned this same conference a few days ago. Also, have you read her post from today in regards to the dumbing down of diabetes? It's totally worth checking out. And heck, while we're on the subject of social networking and ePatient experiences, go read Kerri's post from today and ask yourself, "Are blogs going the way of the Dodo?" Will they be overshadowed by Twitter and Facebook? I, for one, don't believe that they are or that they will be.

How do I know? I specifically sat down to create this blog post and voila! Here you go, world.

Diapression: Stupid Made-Up Word, True Enough Statement

2010-10-13T15:54:00.001-04:00

So a while ago, I wrote about having a lot of issues with attention in recent days. I still do. I find it hard to get through my work, or a book, or occasionally even a conversation without my mind wandering off to Timbuktu (or wherever it is daydreaming brains like to envision). I am pretty sure that the dwarf hamster who runs the wheel in my mind has decided to hibernate.

I'm certain that many of us out there occasionally fall victim to an unfocused day, maybe even a foggy week. For me, this whole issue has been going on longer than I would like. It's affected my work. It's affecting my writing. Worst of all, it's affecting my diabetes management. I know what I need to do. I know every step I need to take, and I am willing to work on chasing my numbers, minding my carbs, trying to be a better diabetic.

I have entire days where I check my blood glucose once. I eat carbs without bolusing. I forget to check my blood before meals, even if my meter is sitting next to me. I care about my health, my future, what's going to happen to me, and yet I can't seem to nail the most basic habits of a disease I've dealt with for over 20 years. I need help.

Tomorrow, I am going to get help. I'm going to see a psychiatrist for the very first time. Nerve-wracking? You bet. What will I learn? Will there be a diagnosis? Will there be pills, therapy or both? Will they find anything wrong with me at all? Will I discover that my dream about killing a horde of zombies with a spray bottle of Windex is my subconscious's way of telling me I'm a sub-par manager of my own health?

Last night at a visit with my fabulous (and extremely patient) CDE Sarah K., I told her about my plans. She giggled and said, "Oh my God, you have...DIAPRESSION!" We laughed a bit over the silliness of the real website, as it notes that "diapression" is not a medical term at all. Rather, it seems like one of those made-up words which is unpalatable to me, like "jeggings" or "tweens".

The overall concept of the Diapression is a decent one, though. The website's mission appears to be seeking mainstream acceptance for those piggybackers of chronic illnesses: depression, anxiety, and stress. This happens to so many of us dealing with diabetes or any other chronic illness. I took antidepressants from 2004 until probably 2006. Sarah pointed out to me that she takes an antidepressant, another CDE at the practice takes an antidepressant, and loads of diabetics out there struggle with mental health. Let's face it--there's no break from diabetes, and that lack of a break takes its toll.

Hopefully I like this psychiatrist, and we can work out some treatments to coax the hamster out with some bits of apple and get him back on his wheel.

In the meantime, I think I may make up more words that combine diabetes and other things, such as, "This diabetes is a diapain in the diass!"

No D-Day: Baby Talk

2010-10-07T15:59:00.003-04:00

I hope that bird's bringing a fancy new job or a book manuscript.

What I want to do or have not yet done with my body is my business, but as small talk, as a happily married woman, so many people always bring up the subject of babies with me.

"So when are you starting a family?"

"So when are you due? Oh how far along are you? Squee!" I'm not. I'm just kind of chubby in the middle. Haven't you ever seen an empire waist top on someone who's NOT pregnant before? Like that skinny hipster girl at the coffee counter with us waiting on a latte? Why is it usually total strangers who are asking me if I'm pregnant?

"Do you have any kids? Why not? You should start now while you're still young!"

And most recently, "I'm not rushing you, Hannie Ellen, but whenever you're ready, I'm ready to be a grandmother." Thanks, Mom. I know it's only because you love me.

I'm here to set the record straight today. I like kids. They're adorable, and I really do think I want one, but no more than two of my own someday. Someday being the operative word here. The time, for Matt and I, is not now. I have a house that I am terrible at keeping clean, and I don't own it. I have a job that I'm not always pleased with and a wandering eye for a career opportunity that I am passionate about. I have a husband who needs to complete his Masters' thesis. I am enjoying being in my late 20's, having fun, making new friends, going on adventures.

I am just at the age where a number of my friends are starting to have children. I even have a few friends now who already have toddlers. I am growing accustomed to being around the wee ones, trying to take on a fun, sassy, goofy aunt role to the kids who are coming into my life. I'm good at reading stories out loud, playing with Play-Doh, dancing and watching Batman. (See also: video games, comic books, drawing stick people, knowing songs from Sesame Street and Yo Gabba Gabba.) I'm nervous about disciplining other people's kids. I don't like having to yell at anyone, let alone a little one who may not listen to me, and I don't want my friends to take issue with the way I've treated their children. It hasn't been a problem, but it always makes me nervous!

And that thing I have that is not to be named today? You know, that health condition I talked about in yesterday's post? We all know that doesn't make things easy either in terms of future pregnancy. I have a lot of work to do on that front. But it can be done. And done well! But this thing that must not be named today? Totally not the reason for this post.

I think kids are all right. Just not for me right now. I've got time to figure it out.

Unintentional Healthy Habits

2010-10-06T18:01:00.001-04:00

So in 2007, I ranted and raved about diabetes, a vegan diet, and the Skinny Bitch series of books.

In 2008, I talked about how the things that are delicious are not always the pillars of healthy eating.

And now, in 2010, I am here to say that in some small way, I have incorporated more healthy eating, a sprinkling of exercise, and even a few vegan dishes into my diet, and I suppose I'm all the better for it. REMEMBER: I am not a CDE, a doctor, or a registered dietitian. I'm just telling you my experience here. YMMV. Or, possibly, YDMV.

While admittedly, I have not seen the endo enough times over the past few years--used to go every 3-4 months, current track record is more like every 6, gotta work on that one--at my last visit, I had lost about 12 pounds since the last time I had been in, and my cholesterol had been significantly lower. Over the past year or two, I've been avoiding High Fructose Corn Syrup-laced products when I can, and I'm trying to buy more natural/organic/sustainable foods when I'm out at the store. I've tried establishing a Wii Fit routine, tried taking walks now and then for fun.

However, I've been unintentionally making healthier choices all year round. First of all, I live on a one-way street, so in these past two years, I typically have to park halfway down the block from my front door. This instantly incorporates a small bit of walking into my day. Now add in the fact that restaurants, a movie theater, and the library are also within walking distance of my house. That means more walking, as Matt and I typically dine out about once a week at our favorite microbrew pub, and I am a library junkie.

My number two healthy change fell into my lap in the form of a new gang of vegan friends. These friends also have a penchant for throwing fabulous potluck dinner parties, so Matt and I have been striving to concoct actual vegan dishes even though we are omnivores. (We think lazier omnis may show up with a bag of veggie chips and hummus and call that good enough. Hey, it's delicious, but not exactly on-theme for a vegan tea party or a vegan burrito bash.) I am not going to speak for or against a vegan lifestyle/diet here, but I will say that I respect the choices of my friends, and for the most part, I try to honor those choices when I'm around them.

A vegan diet won't cure diabetes, because as we all know, there is no cure for diabetes. However, I'm sure any diet that gives you more proteins from chickpeas, black beans and tofu brings some kind of positive change for your body. I know with my vegan friends, I am always eating more veggies, fruits and whole grains. Carbs are still carbs, and fats are still fats, regardless of their exclusion of animal products. And believe you me, I have had some of the most delicious vegan cakes over the past year and a half, including my own birthday cake. (If you see this, thanks, Michelle G.!)

If you want to go vegan, or start an exercise program, or both, please do your research first and check with your trusted health professionals. Just remember, I'm not a health professional. At all. However, the above-mentioned unintentional measures I took for better health have seemed to help me in some small way.

So here are my 3 completely unprofessional top tips for an unintentionally healthier lifestyle:

1.) Move to a neighborhood that forces you to park on a one-way street. If you're bad at parallel parking (like yours truly), you'll park further away from your house and walk more.

2.) Move to a town where things you like to do are at least 2 to 2.5 blocks away. Walk there a lot. Even in winter. I suggest investing in snow boots.

3.) Befriend nice, hospitable vegan folks who are good cooks, and expect homemade hummus alongside delicious vegan cupcakes. Don't forget to bolus.

Number Four

2010-09-30T11:06:00.000-04:00

Matt is my partner, my best friend, my love. He was there for me when I got my first insulin pump 10 years ago. He'll get up in the middle of the night to get me glasses of juice when I'm low, water when I'm high. He doesn't have diabetes, but he's worthy of praise on this here diabetes blog. We have great adventures together. Maybe one day we'll have some kids--but that's another post for another time.

In 2006, I decided to start this blog about two months before my wedding. Many of you have been reading since I was first married. Today is the four-year mark. The traditional fourth anniversary gift is apparently Fruit and/or Flowers, according to one list I read online. The "modern" gift is appliances. I've decided there are two gifts for Matt that fit under these desciptions: A Roncomatic Food Dehydrator and a Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. Which anniversary is the "As Seen on TV" gift anniversary?

Honestly, have you ever looked at this list of traditional and modern anniversary gifts? Who comes up with this stuff? And does anybody really care? I certainly don't.

Happy anniversary, Matt!

Free Verse Friday: The Mentor

2010-09-24T10:00:00.001-04:00

Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz has been a friend of mine since I was 17. At the time, I was one of only 10 teenage fiction writers selected from all of Pennsylvania to attend the Pennsylvania Governor's School for the Arts. Sure, this in itself was a huge deal, but little did I know that when I spent most of my summer focusing on crafting short stories, I would also fall in love with what seemed to be the mysterious world of slam poetry.

Ever since then, Cristin has been this kickass, super-cool older sister but WAY better than that figure in my life. And her writing still makes me think, and of course, makes me laugh. I'm not talking giggles here. I am talking make-your-face-hurt laughter. I only laugh equally hard when I'm watching the Muppets. And yes, that is true too.

Cristin has had the fortune this year to get a fellowship at the University of Pennsylvania, so now instead of living up in New York, she's practically around the corner in downtown Philadelphia. I will be having dinner with her and various other poet friends of mine tonight before the slam! I am so, so excited.

So this is almost 7 minutes long. But hey, she's an amazing performer, and she's one of my influences. With that, I give you a YouTube clip:

A Diabetes Meme (Thanks, Kerri!)

2010-09-08T13:10:00.000-04:00

Having a lazy day and still thinking big starry-eyed thoughts of a new job, it seems like a lovely day for a meme instead of a full-on blog post. Thankfully, Kerri came to the rescue this morning with her diabetes meme, so here are my answers:

What type of diabetes do you have: Type 1

When were you diagnosed: Sometime after July 4, 1990. Talking to my mother recently, we realized neither of us remembers the exact date. We both remember that my grandparents had gone on their usual summer fishing trip to Canada, and that they came back when they got the news, so it means it was sometime after the 4th of July.

What's your current blood sugar: My last test was 106 mg/dl, about two-and-a-half hours ago. An hour and a half before that I was 78 mg/dl, and of course, I ended up feeling equally low for both, even though a 106 shouldn't phase me. Ugh.

What kind of meter do you use: One Touch Ultra Mini, although recently I got to play with a Bayer Contour USB. More on that hopefully sometime this week.

How many times a day do you test your blood sugar: I strive for five, but four has been the daily goal lately. Say what you will about that, but I am trying to rebuild good testing habits after a serious case of burnout.

What's a "high" number for you: I tend to run high a lot, hence the re-evaluation of my current management, but I'd say anything over 250 mg/dl, I really feel the highs.

What's do you consider "low": I usually correct for anything lower than 85 mg/dl, because that's when I start feeling bad.

What's your favorite low blood sugar reaction treater: I'll usually drink whatever regular juice we have around the house, but on the run, I usually chomp some glucose tabs. I prefer orange or grape, but I've been known to enjoy the fruit punch kind as well. They are kind of like giant Smarties. I've given some to non-diabetic friends to prove it.

Describe your dream endo: Compassionate, attentive, non-judgmental, easy to reach by phone. Preferably one whose office remembers to make reminder calls so you don't miss appointments. (Glaring at my current endo's office staff here...)

What's your biggest diabetes achievement: Becoming more involved in advocating for people with diabetes. I was so proud of myself for conceiving and operating an information table at World Diabetes Day in Philadelphia last year, even if it ended up not being located in the most visible area.

What's your biggest diabetes-related fear: It's really the big 3 that are one big fear: blindness, kidney failure and the potential to die young. I try to always keep it light, but let's face it, diabetes has the potential to be pretty damned scary.

Who's on your support team: My husband, my family, an amazing couple of CDEs, and my wonderful beloved friends.

Do you think there will be a cure in your lifetime: I don't know. The old adage I've always heard is "but we'll be cured in 10 years." I've been diabetic for 20, and there's still no cure. They also promised us glucose tests that are non-invasive. I'd love to see a CGMS that doesn't require such constant calibration and is highly accurate. The best hopes I have right now are for some kind of closed loop system, something that makes regulating your own diabetes easier, with less math and guessing.

What is a "cure" to you: A cure could be a fully functional pancreas, or something that works just as well as a fully functional pancreas. I'm already relatively cybernetic as it is, so what's one more machine to fix me?

The most annoying thing people say to you about your diabetes is: "Should you be eating that?" "You must have the really bad kind if you need a pump." "So-and-so had a pump and she was a brittle diabetic, too." (I'm not.) "Oh, you poor thing." (Don't pity me. I'm just trying to live my life!)

What is the most common misconception about diabetes: That diabetics can't eat any sugar at all, ever, or we'll go into sugar shock and DIE.

If you could say one thing to your pancreas, what would it be: "What kind of lazy ass retires after only 8 years of working?!"

I Give a Hoot.

2010-09-07T23:53:00.000-04:00

Random factoid: the post popular Google search that has gotten people to my blog in recent days? "Lollipop Owl".

All because I made this silly post about the number of carbs in a Tootsie Pop.

How many clicks does it take to get to some randomly fun postings on Dorkabetic? One, two-hoo, three. *CRUNCH*

The world may never know.

Diabetes Art Day 2010

2010-09-01T09:53:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, the fabulous Lee Ann Thill of The Butter Compartment has deemed today, September 1st, Diabetes Art Day! Here is my contribution, which honestly, I did not create exclusively for Diabetes Art Day. I made this on World Diabetes Day last year in the company of Miss Lee Ann herself at the WDD Philadelphia event held at Temple University's School of Podiatric Medicine. However, I have not looked at it since then. Looking at it now, with new eyes, I realize I have some decent drawing skills! It's called "Sin City", and it's a portrait of delicious, "forbidden" carby snacks!

I am particularly proud of the cupcake specifically. That cherry looks downright edible. I am aware that the proportions of the whole drawing may not be proper, but that's not the point.

Here's another view of the art itself. Materials used are white and blue construction paper (or perhaps it's white drawing paper? It seemed to be nice stuff!) and Crayola markers. Happy Diabetes Art Day, everyone! I can't wait to see what you came up with!

Free Verse Friday, Back to School Edition!

2010-08-27T10:27:00.000-04:00

Taylor Mali has been called many things by many people in the spoken word poetry scene, some not-so-flattering; however, he is a good performer. It's that time of the year when kids are headed back to school, and my friends who are teachers are going back to work. I've never been sure that I have the patience to teach, and I admire anyone who does.

This is one of Taylor Mali's signature pieces, and it's been around for quite some time. Sometimes this also causes some animosity in the spoken word community because he just won't retire the poem as a performance piece. I admire him for this, actually, and I admire that he has a piece he is still proud to call his own, years after he first performed it.

Without further ado, I present, from a video on YouTube, "What Teachers Make". Note to Taylor Mali--if you ever find and read this post, I assume you will be correcting my grammar.

<3 Hannah

A Nasty Gut Feeling

2010-08-18T19:52:00.001-04:00

I had to blink and grip the edges of the exam table to keep from crying or being angrier. I was already a little peeved by her attitude regarding me being a diabetic. Then she had the gall to mention the big G-word that nobody likes. "You know Diabetic Gastroparesis could be a possibility. When you've been diabetic for so many years, it can affect the nerves, even the ones in your digestive tract."

"I am aware," I deadpanned back, willing the tears to stay in my eyes. Willing the bitter hatred to stay inside my chest. I read the symptoms of gastroparesis online at a reputable health encyclopedia website. I had what equated to half a gastroparesis symptom. I had the slightest bit of nausea, maybe a trace of bloat. Nowhere in the laundry list of Diabetic Gastroparesis symptoms did I see dull, achy lower abdominal cramping for two days following the sudden onset and subsiding of a sharp lower abdominal pain while going to the bathroom. "But I find it hard to believe that something like that would come on overnight. Also I am not overly nauseous, and I haven't vomited. At all."

Now I realize my doctor is not a mind reader and that I should answer honestly when she asks me how my blood sugar control is. "Not great," I responded sheepishly.

She blinks, her tiny, humorless face a mask betraying any emotions aside from a slight displeasure that I'm not touting a fabulous A1c. I'm sure she sees this all the time. People who say they're fine but they run sky-high every day, or they are constantly on the glu-coaster, up and down, ignoring the symptoms and/or the damages. "Describe what that means," she tells me. I tell her what my average BG is during a day, and yes, it's not great.

My urine test came back negative for everything--ketones, infections, glucose, protein. My lower abdomen still feels crampy and uncomfortable. My stomach feels a bit upset. Maybe I have contracted some sort of virus that is just causing pain and annoyance rather than the usual gastrointestinal unpleasantries we all associate with a stomach bug.

Yet my brain keeps buzzing, "How DARE she?" How could this doctor have the audacity to suggest a diabetes complication for what could just be a bug? Or what could be...well, I don't know what it could be. The doctor offered me absolutely NO diagnosis whatsoever. She said if it is an ovarian cyst problem, I'm already on the treatments. I don't have an infection. I had zero issues that lead her to anything conclusive. Could my diabetes have caused some kind of mild nerve damage that causes colon spasms, to which she somewhat hesitantly tacked on, "despite your best efforts to control your sugars?". Perhaps.

She had no suggestions for any further steps unless I start getting worse. She had no suggestions for any over-the-counter remedies to treat my symptoms. I understand doctors are not supermen. They are only human, and do not have all the answers. But when something is wrong with my body, I would like to be taken seriously. When someone even suggests that my troubles are related to a diabetes complication, I would like to possibly be tested so I can know for sure. Or maybe even offered some sort of treatment plan to rule out complications.

If I am still feeling cruddy in two days, I am calling the doctor's office again and seeing a doctor who I very much like and trust. I am only seeing this woman again when it's a dire emergency.

Over the course of the day, I've gotten more and more angry about this. I don't expect rainbows, bunnies and handholding from my doctors, but don't coldly stare me in the eyes, never smiling, never stopping to reassure that my concerns over my own well-being are valid and I'm not a fucking hypochondriac out-of-control diabetic, telling me bluntly there's nothing you can do for me. AT ALL. Maybe I could take some Tylenol if I have pain. Do you think it was fair of my doc to throw out Diabetic Gastroparesis as a suggestion for an occasionally recurring problem that no one else has bothered to look into or test for?

I feel like I spent $10 in co-pay on a glorified school nurse visit. At least the nurse would have handed me the Tylenol before I left the office and offered to let me call my mother.

Free Verse Friday #1 - The Dynamic Duo

2010-08-06T13:38:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, I write a lot. I also LOVE poetry slams, and I've been a member of two National Poetry Slam teams. In fact, NPS 2010 is happening this week in St. Paul, MN. If it hasn't sold out already, go check out the finals on Saturday night! Semi-Finals are tonight, and rumor has it Garrison Keilor is making an appearance before tonight's Group Piece final competition. Man, I wish I were in Minnesota right now with my poet pals!

But it occurs to me that many of you out there have never been to a poetry slam, or you have no idea what spoken word poetry is about, and so, in the spirit of showing you yet another side of me, I bring you Free Verse Fridays! Here are two amazing poet pals of mine, Ken Arkind and Panama Soweto performing one of my favorite pieces of theirs. I've had the privilege of playing Sega Genesis and eating string cheese with these guys in my Delaware apartment. A poetry night in my living room--one of my favorite memories in Delaware. :)

The Bicycle, Part 2: The Simile/Metaphor

2010-08-04T18:13:00.000-04:00

So the other day, I told you all about my bike riding lesson. I was scared to get on, but I stuck with it, even through the tears and fears. (But not Tears for Fears. I was not listening to 80's music at the time.)

Caution: Watch for diabicycles!

Yet all of this has got me thinking. I've spent 20 years with diabetes, and trying to manage it is a lot like learning to ride a bike. It's scary. It's something you most likely really want to do, and other people make it look so easy. Then you find out it's not easy, and takes a lot of practice, then no matter how much you practice, you still take a tumble now and then. Sometimes your tumble scrapes you up a little. Sometimes it's more serious than that.

Unlike a bicycle, I can't say diabetes is something anybody ever wants, and you certainly can't put a shiny new bell or a cute, squeaky horn on your diabetes. Diabetes would definitely be more festive with some streamers on the handlebars or a few baseball cards tucked into its spokes.

Often, you don't get training wheels for diabetes. You're typically pushed down the steepest hill and told to hold on. Whatever you do, don't stop balancing. Don't know what that means, exactly? Too bad. You'll have to learn. Pedal, pedal, pedal. Oh sure, you can stop, put your feet on the ground, extend the kickstand; however, this isn't learning how to ride.

Must the same as riding a bike, diabetes isn't something I've ever totally mastered. I've had better A1c's than bike-riding skills, but the A1c's have never been flawless either. Probably only close to great a few times in my life. Luckily, I have excellent CDEs whom I can call on to give me some diabicycle lessons. I just have to get over the fear that I haven't been so great at riding the d-bike lately. It'll only take a phone call and my courage, not to mention practice and persistence.

So, what does your diabicycle look like? I think mine is a vintage Stingray painted candy apple red, maybe with some custom decals that say "Apply Sample". It might also have some streamers, but it definitely has a goofy horn.